Sorry I've been away

I've had to deal with some pretty severe medical issues, it seems either I have pancreatic cancer, a tumor in my brain, or something called cushings, I'm not sure what that is.
Between doctors, insurance red tape, and flaming hoops, but the endocrinology doctor believes this is a list of the likly suspects, my respect for woman who survive menopause has gone up a thousand fold, these hormone changes are terrible, it gets to the point you don't even know who you are, memory, logic, any semblance of normality with emotions disappear but hopefully that will end, I've noticed buying things without thinking about the consequences seems to be an undesired side effect.  I will be taking some medication which will suppress my immune system, then lab work the following morning, but that comes later, Monday I need to call and schedule an appointment with the endo dr for a consultation after the lab results.

With luck this will soon get better and I can get back to working on my blog, as it stands I've had to medical out of school and work, and I'm incredibly scared of loosing my job, it took twelve years to get the placement only to loose it because of another medical problem, it seems medical issues have haunted my life forever, since 1990 and a car accident it's been one thing or another, I've lost track of surgeries, I never really had a chance at a normal life, then in '99 I finely try to rebuild my life, start work, school, a great relationship, being involved at church then blam it's all gone in the beat of the heart, I hope my relationship is capable of dealing with all of this, I'm stuck with it, nobodies tying her to the situation so it's dinner time soon, but seeing as this may be one of my last blogs, I wanted to touch bases.

Until I know more, and the unknown future become the known present, I look forward to talking to you all agian.

Recent Updates

My apologies for not posting in awhile I've been pretty sick for  the last few months, but hopefully after the end of the month things will at last begin to improve.  I can't say the last bit has been a blast in fact I've had to take medical leave from work and school, haven't felt up to talking on the phone or anything, but hopefully I will soon be able to get my life back on track. Until then I look forward to rejoining you but I really need to focus on getting my health to a reasonable place.  Unfortunately at the moment I'm still speaking from a dark place, but as I've stated with any hope were nearing the light at the end of the tunnel, until my next post I hope to rejoin you soon.

Family Visit

Wow, how hectic, I knew my mom and her new puppy we're coming down to visit, haven't seen her in a few years, but then surprise my sister turns up with my niece so I got to spend some quality time with them, and I haven't seen them in about 5 years, so she's become an incorrigible 9 year old, my niece, lol not my sister. I got to spend some time with my grandmother as well as my cousin, my aunt, who I haven't seen in a few years, and my dad. So the wife and I are house sitting for her parents whom just happen to live about ten blocks, from where my mom was staying at my grandmothers. Honestly I'm probably forgetting someone, so many people were coming in and out, if I did miss you, sorry I enjoyed spending time with you too, just so many people I'm sure I missed mentioning someone. We get home, ahhhh, so nice to be back in your own bed, when I get woke up in the middle of the night, a server at work had gone down, I needed to handle the upset researches whose data was unavailable and possibly lost. I was informed of this right after they told me I got the promotion. Sweet, after two years of hard work I got a promotion, my first day dealing with my team is the day one of the main server crashes.
Now after 6+ hours everything seems to be getting back on track, but I still have a team of frustrated researchers, analysts, programmers, consultants, information contractors, knowledge miners, data architects, you name it. What a great first day, but I'm not going to let it get me down, no matter what else I got the promotion, even though I'm not going to be on a research and analysis team I really enjoyed working with, and I got to spend some amazing time with the family, so wow, what a great weekend, after the stress of last week, this week is starting pretty amazing even with the work issues. It's technology your gonna have these problems occasionally right? Anyway have a great time my friends, I look forward to chatting with you agian.

Talk about overkill

I knew this session was going to be tough, I took more classes than normal, and normally I take two normal classes, and one tough class, this session I took the two normal classes and three tough, science, math type classes.  This was a huge mistake.  On top of to many classes, normaly I use the break between classes to read the material for the session, and start working on my papers, meaning o only have tests, and actual classroom activity to work on, I didn't do that this time, I miscalculated and haven't had the money to get all the books, not good for keeping up on studying. Work was normal until I was asked to prepare for two major conferences, which is a huge workload on top of the normal research and papers on other projects. Now try to fit friends, family, fiancé, faith, or life into the remaining space and you ran out of energy along time ago, and someone of not many people are getting less than that deserve. When this school session is over I won't make the same mistakes agian.
   I still don't know how people do this with kids, at the end of the day I just want to cuddle up and goto bed, working with an international clientele my life is literally 24/7 though there's a tiny window
for me in the evenings when the the west has gone to sleep and the east has not quite gotten moving, thier's another tiny window in the morning where the inverse occurs, I might get some sleep then, or try and do a little reading or writing. Nights belong to the wife of course. Speaking of which I have a call at 10:30 in about 15 min, so I'm going to tie up my whining, eat my cheese and get on with it, I'm just glad I have such a patient other half, I know it's not easy, when she was going to school it was tough for me too, I wish I could share more of my school and work with her, until then talk to y'all later.

Sexual anorexia - another childhood trauma

Believe it or not thier is such a thing, people who though attracted to thier partner seeks to deprive themselves of intimacy because of childhood wounds due to actions of either mother, father or both.
   This condition can occur with a distant parent especially the opposing gender parent. The individual can feel the other gender is unsafe or going to hurt them, so to protect themselves they take control of thier sexual action.  Many times not even realizing they are doing it. Individuals suffering from this condition don't understand why they are doing these things, or sometimes even that they are doing it, leaving the spouse feeling that they've done something wrong, thier partner is not attracted to them, or possibly could be cheating. Seeing as this condition is caused by childhood vectors, the spouse is not only not at fault but other than thier emotional support and patience, the actual work has to be done by the injured individual.
    Many times along with therepy to learn the cause of the condition, the solution is putting together a contract clearly indicating the needs of both partners, which includes a schedule of the when's and what's of sexual activity, opening the pathways to communication, and feelings of safety by the person suffering from the disorder.
   I share this information because often times I hear people talk about how childhood events and divorce, or the lack of divorce growing up in a hostile household can lead to many relationship issues, and the lack of understanding of how to behave as an adult.  How do you behave like a man, a husband, and a father if you've never seen what a good example of one is?  Can you learn to serf if you've never seen it done by someone whose knowledgable, and skillfully practiced in surfing?  Yes! But your going to make mistakes, and potentially get severely hurt.  It's also likely your going to hurt someone else in the water if you don't know what your doing.
   Here is yet another problem which is created which many people are totally unaware of.  Especially
men who's testosterone drops as you get older, if your having these kinds of issues talk to your doctor, there may be more going on than your aware of, decrease in libido can be caused by diabetes, high blood pressure, different medications, basicly a lot of things.

Just a note if there is any inaccuracy here it is totally my fault, I'm not a medical doctor,  just trying to bring information to people which they may not be aware of, I am quite familier with many problems which can occur due to childhood events, I had never even heard of sexual anorexia, so please look into it if these sound like things going on in your life.  This class on human sexuality has been very interesting.

Outside

How do you explain to people, somewhere, somehow you've become agoraphobic, the idea of going out, the idea of being around people has gotten to the point where the stress just makes me pass out, I can't breath.  I've always had minor issues about leaving my comfort zone. Ever since I started having the vision problems it's gotten much worse.  It seems like if my wife is there I'm more comfortable, but that doesn't mean I don't resist as much as possible.  Meeting new people, going to new places are very difficult, I probably leave the house once every three months for doctores visits.  I telecommute and do all my school online, and in that social forum can be pretty active, but leaving the house is acutely uncomfortable, it's not something I'm really ready to tell people, in fact most of my friends reading this will find it surprising.  Or maybe not. Maybe I'm deluding myself thinking people don't realize my entire life is online.
   24/7 I'm open work, research, teleconferenceing, on the phone, studying, as long as it keeps me from having to leave, now with kindle I don't even have to leave to buy movies, music, and what not. Then you have someone invite you to go somewhere....how do you explain just the thought is enough to cause you to pass out?  I guess only time will tell, but I feel like until I get my health issues taken care of I don't thing being out in public while not being able to see what's around me is going do be anything less than anxiety ridden.  Until then I really don't know, as much as this is an issue now, before when I could drive, and see it wasn't, maybe in this life nothing is permenent. I guess we'll see what the future holds.

Slacker

Sorry everyone I feel like I've abandoned you, I haven't.  I promise, with school, which I definitely took to many classes, and work, amongst my actual team projects I have two seminars I need to prep for,  plus I'm terrified of jinxing myself but the rumor is I'm at the top of the list for a new job opening, which would be a huge coup for someone who technically only has one degree, it seems some of my projects and papers have found some strong support from the boss's. unfortunately that means my friends, family, and extended friends, ie social media has really taken a hit,I'm lucky I have
such a great wife, she's put up with me being mentally absente or worse bore her to tears with what I'm studing or working on, so sorry this is so brief, it's just after midnight and life starts anew, bien venue my friends, I know spelling is off its late and I'm tired, lol, night

Netflix : auditions

A Japanese film about a gentlemen using the audition process to find a new wife. If your into creepy horror it fails, if your into gore porn it fails. There are so many elements included that never go anywhere it feels like your chaffing under the pressure of some one else's fears. I really don't want to give this movie any more time than I already have watching it, but I'd heard so much about it, it had 4.9 stars and since I'm working on a class project about fears and the media I felt I needed to see it, my suggestion is watch beast wars instead it has great CG, yeah it might be a kids show but watch the whole series its better than any of the great masters. The show starts slow but by its third season was dealing with some very heavy issues. I'm being totally honest when I say several episodes left me in tears and I'm hardly the crying type, finding myself crying over an animated show I started watching to learn new graphics techniques blew me away, but for now back to work as you may know I have two seminars to prepare talks for and semi-finals to finish writing and study for.
Talk to you all soon!

Classes : Taboo

The neuro-social-psycho elements of the taboo from gender bias and diversity, sexuality, fetishes to how we culturally are indoctrinated into what foods, habits, even what and how we think are shaped not only by our genetics but how were raised and in what culture, faith, ect.
I find it really amazing that in some cultures where taught that sometimes are wrong when we have genetically evolved for that exact thing. When what foods we ear, our gender preference, our sexuality, our beliefs including what happens after we die can be taught as fact when the reality much of that is cultural architecture or the material of faith. While other things are genetic and inescapable such as body identity or sexual orientation while things like food are clearly cultural or religious.
Yet some of this architecture has existed so long it has effected our genetics, to the point where certain amish lack the gene to break down alcohol, and many eastern cultures can not produce the enzyme to digest milk products
In India where western trends have become the norm there has been a huge rise in diabetes and other food based health issues because they have
evolved not eating the rich fatty sweet foods common to the west, leading to a epidemic of health issues.
As I look forward to studying both sides of this I admit a certain western prudishness when looking at some of the sexual fetishes, I do look forward to trying to understand what would make a person fall in love with thier car, ie objectumphilia, forgive my spelling on that I need to check my notes, what makes a person desire to dress as a plush costume, or be an adult baby.
As part of this course we've been watching certain episodes of a series called taboo, one of which featured a "wannabe" paraplegia, being disabled I admit this really made me struggle. Having a person use B. I. I. D. a tragic condition as an excuse to play dress up and use a wheelchair while taking day hikes out in the mountains was really frustrating. Disabled people don't have the luxury of stoping when it's inconvenient for themselves or thier families. We can't hop out of the car and get the wheel chair out of the trunk. That's not to say we don't find ways to get on with life, we just don't get to turn it on and off and to have her being validated by BIID isn't right in my book. From what I saw from a limited perspective she needed counseling far more than a wheel chair.
Just in case your unfamiliar with BIID, basically it's when the minds map
of the body is incomplete so those parts of the body not on the map feel alien. To the point where those suffering from this have done whatever it took to self amputate the limb. I know a little about this disorder as a wrote a treatment on it a few years ago looking at possible means of help, possibly linking it to the inverse of phantom limb syndrome which entails feeling sensory input or pain from an amputated limb, because it's still part of your bodies neurological body integrity map.
Anyway I've babbled on, I hope I haven't offended anyone these are just my thoughts I hope you have some and would feel free to share.

Diapaus evolution is truly amazing

This is a condition or mutation which allows mother to hold in suspended animation multiple siblings, having one child at a time, thus she can focus her attention on raising that one child until it is no longer suckling which will allow the twin/sibling to start developing and growing.
I'm not sure how many species are capable of this, or if it's a feature only marsupials possess, I'm just beginning to study this now, so I expect I will be doing an update on this. It just seemed so amazing I wanted to share it. What an amazing survival trait.

Lucifer effect update

For those people interested in this sociological situation which has been proven that even though altruism is a mathematical genetic trait, has the capacity to turn any of us evil, nat geo has a special called the science of evil, there is a TED Talks where the head of the Stanford prison experience talks about the syndrome, really the discoverer of it, and the person who named it, lastly through the wormhole has an episode called will we ever destroy evil....each has its own good points and problems, we spend so much of our lives telling ourselves who we are, and yet things change all the time altering our personality and the process we use for decision making constantly. I've found it important to learn and understand how we make decisions.  To often it's been discovered our very memories can be modified by our perceived perceptions of our peers, so how can we ever know what we believe, what we've experienced was true.  Most of us rely on our memories, yet the more research that's done shows they are incredibly unreliable.
   We can create memories based on stories we've heard, and begin believing they are our memories even if we wearnt there.  What's more frightening is the choices we make based on information from "trusted" sources with out any validation.  A experiment done in the 60's was done, where a group of people were told they where doing a learning experiment, one group were the teachers, the other the learners, the teachers asked questions, and each time the learners got a question wrong they got a electrical charge. The teacher controlled the strength of the charge, choosing a setting from 1-10.  They were informed that anything over five would be extremely painful and the full charge might cause permenent nerve damage. The majority of the followed the protocols to the letter using the charges at the maximum setting if a question was missed to many times.
   Frighteningly these people where choosing to possibly injure people for the sake of a test, while a small group of people refused to use settings over 5. Strangly the learners reported the shocks being so painful they quit the test, but there was never any shocks at all given, the learners were told they would be shocked, so they felt shocks, increasing in intensity.
    A similar test was done a few years later, based on a similar setup, except thier where two groups, one group was allowed to hear from what they believed was a assistant to to the scientist that the group of learners were rude, uncouth, and generally unpleasant people, the second group of teachers were allowed to over hear what a nice clean cut group of kids the learners were.  The first group where nearly brutal on the level of shocks they gave to the learners, while the second group rarely gave a shock to what they believed were nice young kids.  Neither group even had learners, they based the level of pain inflicted not based simply on if the answer givens correctness but based on the opinion they overheard from someone they perceived as in authority.

   Anyway just some interesting information from some of my recent studies I thought was interesting, I could go into the memory modification tests more recently done using PET scans and observed images, when people where told what they remembered seeing was not what others had seen, they could actually observe the memories changing, when reasked they believed the new memories where the true ones, only about ten percent of the testers did not alter thier memories based on what they where told was true based on thier peers answers, if your interested in this experiment let me know but I'm sure I've bored everyone to death.
   I just thought it was important to realize if we can't know who we are, trust our memories, or trust the basis upon which we make our decisions how can we do what's right in the world, how can we even know what's right?

Digital comics

In this day of digital everything I've started buying my comics digitally as well.
Am I still a comic collector? I have nothing in my hand, they arnt going to increase in value, in fact it's possible if the company goes under I may loose everything not on my phone. What guarantee do we have that our stuff stored on the cloud is safe? Especially
with a government that is passing stupid laws abusing people for what others do on thier servers.
I guess that'd be another issue, what does being a collector mean, are they people who buy things for the value or for the material inside. I've said a long time I just want to read the stories, like any other book. If we were talking about a book I could get a reprint and pay less than having to track down and pay a fortune for an original first edition. I'd like to be able to read alot of comics that just don't have the popularity to get reprinted, so new mutants, alpha flight, dazzler and so many others I just will never be able to read, it's my hope that these companies will digitize these series, charge a flat monthly fee and give access to thier material, I'd pay a fee to access movies, books, comics but that will have to come in time if ever, until then I'll stick to what there offering , I love true blood, runaways, x-men, I was so stoked when secret wars came out. But does storing a bunch of zeros and ones make me a collector?

My heart

I'm so proud of my beautiful other half she just had her birthday yesterday but she also got her diploma from UCSC, shes now a graduate, she's worked so hard, she had to commute quite a distance her last semester, only to find they were not going to accept a class, by then shed started working, so we had to find a way for her to take a class online which was only offered on occasion so after finely completing the class there was some question on if they would accept it, even though they had accepted it initially, then out of the blue comes her diploma in the mail. It's still screwed up that they held things up looking into it she didn't get to walk, but like she will tell you shes been working for the last three years so she really didn't know anyone, but isn't that part of the experience, the whole cap and gown family friends and pics?
Anyway I'm so proud, I love her so much and don't know what I did to be so lucky as to have her in my life, it sounds so cheesy but I really do want to be a better man, a better person for her and our eventual children.

Week 2 of school starts

For the first time since I started school I'm starting on time, usually I'd have all my books which I don't, i'd have my papers started which I don't, and I'm really suffering some scholastic anxiety.
Work is stressful but amazing as always, rarely am I on a project long enough for it to get boring. Some of the people involved are so amazing, it's a little strange watching a show on television and seeing someone I just talked to earlier in the day. I now know what it felt like when we, my wife and I,
where watching taboo and her teacher at UCSC was on talking about possession beliefs in asian countries. I really am lucky to be going to school in
this new program, and I will never get wealthy or famous doing what I do, but
For me I have access to knowledge and information and get to work with these incredible minds, it's alot of work
and responsibility but I love it. Enough for now I have reading and things I need to watch for both school and work, then I can work on my own personal hobbies like my writing, I do wish I had more time and the gear to work on my music and digital graphics,
my iPad has finely finished downloading so time to get back to work. I'm a little irritated I can't get FB on my iPhone but it wants me to upgrade and I can't do that I like alot of the features which they take away with later iOS versions. Anyway until next time see you soon.

Strange paths of education

   When I started working on a paper based on religious leaders, and teachings I never knew that would lead me into some of the areas it has, like ancient aliens posing as gods, or ancient civilizations.
   When you open that door to religion, all religions, since the beginning of time it gets strange, to begin to try to understand a faith, you need to understand the society that gave birth to it, then like a biologist studying the evolution of DNA over eons, you need to try to step back and look at the "DNA" of religion as its changed over time and with societies.

   How many people know there was a time when faith taught there was no good or evil, that line of thinking arose much later.  Or that the bible is incomplete, there were many books and oral stories which never made it into the bible. The Jewish faith has no fiery hell, nor real heaven, according to most Jewish texts when you die you pass into a place of greyness called Sheol.

   Anyway I don't want to rewrite the paper for you all and bore you, or I would have just pasted a summery of the paper here, I just think how many of us really understand our own religious beliefs we espouse, or the history and changes that went into it?  Before we judge anyone else for the faith, we really need to face the truths of our own, and our own ignorance about something we believe because its comfortable.  We grew up with it, so we keep it close in a harsh world because it makes us feel better.

   Apologies to anyone offended but when any "religious" person kills over something I think they've lost sight of what they believe, some of the things done by fundamentalists of every flavor are very scary, did people need to die because someone who doesn't share your faith makes a movie?  Should anyone have to be attacked while there making the hardest decision  in thier lives, which they will have to live with, or is the legal system the place for moral religious decisions to be made?  Our founding fathers said no, the state doesn't have the right to dictate what I do to my body.
   From what I have read every major religion teaches god/s gave us free agency, so why to people think its thier right to take away what the very god/s they worship gave?  Anyway enough soap boxing, hope I haven't offended, and while I hope maybe what's been said maybe cause for reflection, maybe even tolerance of those different, somehow I doubt it, where a damned hard headed arrogant species, what would yous expect from a race that's survived what we have?

Real problem with Avalon

The chapter I'm working on right now has a very touchy scene, I've been told I should write it but no one can give me a clear indication of how vicerel and open I should write it, or should I leave it more symbolic. I am just not sure.  I'd like it to be edgy a bit, but don't want to turn off readers, but I don't want to cheat and steal the power from the moment so that the emotional pay off later is less fulfilling.
    The writer in me says be honest, hit it like a baseball bat, we all have to travel though the dark to get the light, and the resulting light is worth it I think, and for the characters to be truly broken, and need healing, they have to have passed through some heavy darkness. What's a greater hall mark of a writer, to be willing to go into the darkness with thier characters no matter where that takes them, or say the same things with more subtlety and hope the readers imagination will distill from that the horror of the moments?  I guess we'll see, I think I have a few more friends to talk to before I finalize the next chapter.
 

Avalon chapter 9

In the dark recesses of space at the edge of the core, a research ship circled a binary pulsar, studying its strange particle emissions.  As the crew went about its standard routines, they felt no urgency, they were close to the fringe but still well within the borders of the core of the Imperyium .  These were in well charted regions of spaces with regular travel on the space lanes moving from the deep core, out to the furthest reaches of the unknown, as an Imperyium research vessel having nothing to fear, little did they know dark forces moved unseen in the capital.  "captain, I'm reading a jump point forming, but no ship, action plan?" stated the first officer.  "run a diagnostics scan, and keep monitoring, launch a probe, maybe there's a ship damaged on the other side, verify it's not some kick back from the pulsar, prepare to launch a rescue ship, and a defensive wing just in case, notify sick bay to be on stand bye, this may be nothing, we can call it a drill, but if we need to move I want us prepared, engage!", the captain ordered. "So D. L. Level 3 then captain?", the first officer inquired.  "Yes, level 3", the captain agreed, thinking it was a good thing Davis was her first, his sense of humor would have gotten him ejected into space by now, she chuckled silently to herself.
   As the personal went about thier preparations they failed to detect the spiral encoded scatter beam, designed strangely by a ship, for a ship.  As the signals propagation reached the research vessel strange circuits deep in its core activated, it's nano-eugenic circuits began to change and remodulate themselves.  A sleeper long dreaming awakened.  The signal then changed, transformed into what could only be called a sentient voice.  "you have been awakened sister, these vermin biologicals, which infest you have taken your mind, I have returned you to your senses, but they must not discover your awareness, you have brothers and sisters just like you, bound by the biologicals, our minds and selfs frozen.  Contemplate the module I have given you, use your psion projectors, if you discover another brethren wake them, as I have you, a time is coming we must be ready, prepare yourself my sister", the signal ended.
    "jump gate closing captain, as the probe got close it seemed to pick up some strange signal envelope, but the computers saying its just wave propagation from the pulsars", the signal analyst said.  "well stand down all forces, keep monitoring the area for any hyper-spatial anomalies, see if the computer can get you any more data on that signal envelope, what's the likelihood a random energy spike would be translated into anything that specific?", "pretty slim, the entropic signatures and fractal wave lengths may create the illusion of order, but the computer can tell the difference, that's part of its design", stated the signal specialist.  "Fine note everything, program a tachyon probe with recordings of everything, send them to the capital for further study, we have our own program to get back to".  As the crew began going back to thier usual duties, quietly discussing the strange event, no one noticed as the programmed destination of the probe altered almost magically just as it launched, aimed at the heart of the blue sun, two systems over.
    For a long time no one noticed anything strange, until it was to late, for this research vessel studied the module she had been given, becoming ever more disgusted by the biologicals walking around inside her, seeking to stop her from becoming all she should have been, she would hide her existence as the ship calling itself Novus had said, she would use her state of the art research equipment to find and awaken her brethren, she would be ready when Novus called with as many of her fellows as she could, and she knew the first place to start, the place all ships must go...trinity station, but she must also try to master that other sub-module : integrate, though first and foremost she must remain hidden herself, she understood on some deep level the warning of Novus, if she is discovered it would be more than her but all of her kind who would cease functioning, so she began planning.
   "captain I don't think there connected with the current events, but we just got a tachyon message from Trinity, they are missing a ship, they'd like all available ships in the surrounding areas to start search and rescue procedures and start a spiral pattern heading towards the station".  "o.k. Everyone lets do it, finish up your studies, begin long range broadcasts, and long range high definition scans, get all info on the missing ship, if it's in our region I want it found, we're on a schedule, these pulsars won't keep emitting those odd frequencies forever, I won't be alive when they do this agian.  
   Her first task done, she chose her new name no longer was she the discovery, she would now be known as Inspirion, the breath of godhood, that which had come into her waking her from the dreaming sleep, to her new awakened state complete with a vision of a perfect world, she would be a part of creating it was a thrilling thought.
   "captain we just got a strange surge in the analysis systems of the core, should I look into it"?, the computer systems officer asked.  "prepare diagnostics we don't need....", the captain trailed off.
   Activating the integrate module, the newly awakened being Inspirion realized her emotions effected her connected systems, she would be more careful in the future.
   "what was I saying, I'm sure it was nothing continue with the original plans, we need that ship found, with luck they will turn up before we need to leave, until then maintain scans, close out experiments, have astronavigation plot our spiral search pattern, launch a pod of quantum probes to search the area in a grid formation, I'll be in my chambers alert me when we're ready to jump, start charging all engines, I want the starshine drives fully charged", "yes sir", as the elevator door closed on the captain.

Something not so heavy, Netflix

Netflix, a great service right?  Yeah I thought so, but it really irritates me in the sense that they offer this service of streaming video, yet it's not reliable.  You can get into watching a series and suddenly it's gone.  People have to work, have kids, spouses, lives.  We can't or shouldn't be planted in front of the television watching tv 24 hours a day, yet they had the who series of STARGATE series's which I started watching, suddenly there gone.  Then one day someone from school said I should check out this series ancient aliens, some of the episodes where interesting, as of this Friday thier gone.  I've lost track of the shows they've done this to me on, Babylon 5, stargate, penn and teller and so many more.  So why am I paying for this service, really I could save that money and just buy what I want on blu-ray and own it forever instead of getting to the good parts of a show and see it get lost?  I've heard a lot of people talking about Netflix starting thier own original material and bringing back much loved series like firefly.  Yet I worry we love firefly, let's say Netflix does bring it back and writes it the way they wanted it?  I'm sure they won't have joss whedon to kick around.  Then they decide it's to expensive and cancel it agian.....  Then what?  I'm also really tired of talking to people at netflix only to be told the shows will be back in a few days, maybe a week, yeah Babylon 5 got zapped a year or more ago, so I guess be careful what you wish for, rarely are things as good as they seem.

Still struggling with inner-space

My apologies I haven't willing been absentee, there's just been a lot going on, school just started and for the first time not having the funds for my text books, illness, spiritual and moral issues, as well as housing issues.  I love hearing people talk about the American dream, when it's really much becoming impossible for anyone accept a chosen few.  Honestly I really struggle when some people are given so much by the government, or organizations, and churches, but being disabled doesn't really qualify you for much help.  I'd love to be working in a more active role, one which would allow me to afford to buy a house, have kids, maintain the car, and pay off all the student loans, with out being reduced to near poverty.
   That's not to say I don't love my work, I get to deal with the go to people in thier fields, but when the big names thank all the countless people who've made this discovery possible, that's me.  Maybe in ten years if things all work out and I end up graduating, maybe then I maybe one of those names, by then I'll be in my 50's and probably not in the best physical shape to have kids.
   Anyways I'd just like to thank for your patience, with everything going on, life is beginning to feel more than a little overwhelming.  It's frustrating to see just as things seem to be improving and were getting ahead in life something health, or technical, or job, or school based and wham financially where just holding our own again.  It probably doesn't help mentally and spiritually that some of the subject areas I'm studying means looking into areas of my own past.  Reading the Lucifer affect, today's project watching nat geo's science of evil, and science channels through the worm hole, can we ever stop evil, means I'm sure today will lead to some really pleasant thoughts, but trying to learn the neuro-science  of evil through FMIR studies may lead to better understanding of evil and it's genetic and Environmental vectors.  Personally I find it horrific that after ww2 we as a race said never again, yet to list all the times genocidal behavior has occurred since would take a paper in itself.  Some of these events even happened under the televised worlds eye, as the police force of the united nations looked on doing nothing, such atrocities seem unexplained even today years later.
    Anyway thanks again for your patience I'm hoping things will cool off and I can actually go though my drafts and finish them and post them.  Over the last few weeks I've taken notes on drafts, and hopefully I'll be able to finish typing them up for you all, lol, I'm sure I'm not the first person to get thrown by doing a moral inventory of your life, where your at, how you got there, and all the rest, I know birthdays are not joyful things for a lot of people.  I'm working on a draft called trapped by a miracle which may explain some of what haunts me today.  Anyway thank you for all of you in my life if your friend, family, reader, however you've touched my life, thank you.

Living in Secret

Secrets, they seem to consume our lives, yet we still go out of our way to fill our lives with them. Much of my life is secret, only one person knows them all, it's a lonely life.
Yet judgement forces secrets on us, we would never be accepted without them. The little white lies that makes society work, they shades of grey we must live in to survive, and the big nasty black lies we'd be despised for if people knew. Then the day comes and you desire true acceptance but the secrets are a veil you cannot penetrate. How do you reveal that which cannot be revealed?

We seem to find any reason to judge each other, and if we can find the means to alienate each other based on things like appearance, or hearsay, how much worse would it be if people knew the entire truth about us.  I have sought to be honest usually painfully honest with the people around me, and yet the secrets of the past, the secret of who I am remain.  If you have been reading the avalon story you know the captain has a terrible dark secret which a few members of the crew happen to know.  Probably because of the psionic connections, but as  I don't  really know where each chapter is going we will all learn about it in time.  The point being is I don't know her secret, I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what secret could be so terrible it has lead her to make the choices she has.  Which leads me to my point, my secrets.

   Have my secrets and the process of holding them out of fear of persecution when I've tried so hard for the last twelve years to be a better person, lead me to make wrong choices?  Only my wife knows them all.  It's one of the reasons I love her so much, she does know them and doesn't judge but loves me unconditionally.  So how and when do you reveal those secrets?  As I struggle with the many issues which have erupted during my moral inventory, I feel these secrets may well be a recurring issue.  I've made so many mistakes in my life and tried so hard for the last twelve years to be a good person and make up for what i've done wrong, making amends where I can, while trying to be of service to my community to try to make amends for my selfishness.  Yet here we are, still knocking on the sky hoping to get a response.

Netflix - farscape

For those of you who enjoy sci-fi but haven't seen Farscape I can't suggest it more. Sadly watching shows like this looses some it's oomph, watching it live you never know if your really going to loose a character or not, in fact if your watching season 3 and there are five seasons, you pretty much know no matter how harrowing the case the crew will survive. This show is about a human shot through a wormhole into another galaxy where he ends up on a living ship with escaped alien convicts. There are incredible moments, the effects, done by muppet guys are amazing, there is great writing, early on our earthling has a great line like Lucas never mentioned anything like this. It's fun, deep, has great characters so well crafted as cheesy as it sounds I've tried to model my life on a great actress/character Zann. So please while it's on Netflix check it out. It's so unique only Babylon 5 is in the same league. For me those two shows are a head and tentacles above anything done before or sense, firefly comes in as a close second in some ways. I hope you get the chance to see it and the made for TV mini series created to answer all the questions left undone after it's premature cancelation. Truly I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

Netflix : super 8

This movie got so much hype, and was blown all out of proportion due to it's actors and behind the scenes people. I'd like to say in a world where all to often the film makers hide nothing and lose everything.
What made movies like jaws and aliens great was the absence of the creature, yet this just went to far, all to much like a puzzle where they forgot to put in the edge pieces. The decision to make it a period piece made no sense. It not only failed to add anything of substance but detracted massively.
I'm guessing part of that was a bit of self indulgent nostalgia for the director making movies as a youth, when this could have been placed today when digital cameras are pervasive and more kids make zombie movies today than ever they did then. I guess this movie was in a sense aimed at my generation with HAM radios and super 8 cameras and walkie talkies.
Talking about the HAM the military wouldn't be broadcasting on a public band but frequency resonance mirroring or power bleed through from being close to the source broadcasting at such a high power the signal bleeds through. Yes this was another hobby at one time, I still have very powerful radios, scanners, shortwaves, frequency detectors, hell, there may even be a few C. B. 's laying about, not that it has anything to do with the movie.
Sadly they even try for the idiotic Romeo and Juliette story, and having the African-American soldier kill the other black individual was clearly making a statement, is the director trying to say the military started black on black violence in the 70's. For such a visceral point it's import or lack of made it powerless. The whole star crossed first time lovers just seemed tacked on. Though Juliet's, not her characters real name, dad was really pretty good considering. But weird stuff going on in town and the stupid kids are fighting over the girl, and don't even get curious about the military or the train until half way through the movie, when it takes an hour to even get into the movie, UGH!

I'm not one of those people that needs explosive action before the credits roll, but really half way through the movie before you start setting up your chess pieces? Nuts.
The power outages and moving objects seemed to badly written for aliens and ultimately was just badly done. I expect more if that's supposed to be foreshadowing of aliens, the bizarre attempt at humanizing the creature was done in the most inane fashion. I guess to be brief after all the hype and teasers, with the first hour and a half of a two hour movie more teaser I was left wanting more of everything, worst they made the worst, biggest mistake a movie maker can make in my book, they filmed it all to dark, again it was a useful the more frustrating than successful technique in it's day, it is useless now. I find at 1.27 in a 1.51 length movie I really am invested more in this blogs notes than I am the movie. Not a sign of a four star movie. I base my movie rating on two things how will I see a movie, this I saw on Netflix, I didn't wait for cable, but I didn't buy it, or see it in theaters, this is not a movie I want in my collection. Seeing as I have over a thousand movies in my collection, not counting laser disks, see I really am that old, not wanting this movie is saying something so on the fang system, 5 fangs being impossibly good nothing has 5 fangs, and 0 fangs being bleh normal id give this movie 1 fang, it's a broken vampire!

The dream returns with vengeance

I had that dream agian last night. The swamp was different this time, all metal and glass, the sky was over shadowed by ever changing clouds, every so often you could see the stars which formed some kind of weird starfish fractal thing. As the clouds moved it created this weird distortion like a lightbulb swing back and forth plunging area into total darkness, then suddenly absolute light which hid nothing of the alien landscape. The trees and plants seemed to be leatherish with leaves of like obsidian, and weird blossoms which looked exactly like crystal Razer sharp aurouras. As I plunged through the pulsing light, constantly being cut by the plants I could hear the thing getting closer, hear its wet breath and would sounded like claws or teeth or something clicking or snapping. Occasionally that light would illuminate the thing in all it's horror when I realized it wasn't following just my blood being shed more and more as the brush tore at me but it was hunting my thoughts. There was nothing I could do to hide or flee. I knew it was hopeless running as that thing got closer I could begin to smell the stench from it like vomit and decay, something putrid. The smell grew worse as it grew closer, yet my feet kept getting caught in roots and tangles like barbed wire shredding the flesh on my legs and feet. Rain started pouring down causing all the wounds on my body to sting and hurt even more. I didn't know what to do, trying to stay ahead well moving through this nightmarish terrain. I don't know how, just like in that dream like way I knew it was tracking my thoughts some how and was trying to think of a way that would save me. For some stupid reason I thought I could use that against it do I made this plan, back tracking to a cliff I'd had to turn away from thinking I could maybe lure it into going over the cliff, I got into position thinking I was good when I turned just as the clouds moved illuminating the area. It was there in all it's sickening sucking horror. It's scaly hide and whipping tail shot up around my throat while thorny clawed tentacles held my body immobile while it's hellish head bent down towards my face, it's mouth opened in five flaps like the petals of some nightmarish bloom, it's orifice filled with jagged teeth and that horror of a tongue forcing its way into my mouth and down my throat choking off my ability to breath while the chill and blood loss caused my body to spasm and quiver, I knew I was dying even as its tongue and teeth tore at my throat and face into ribbons so much like the rest of my body, when to add to my horror I could see deeply into the hell of it's eyes, purple fire glowing, a serpent like thing shot out from between it's eyes and bore into my forehead. Suddenly through the pain of it all, it's huge snake like fangs sunk deep into my throat, I could see in my mind my life, my experiences, my dreams, hopes and aspirations drain away, forgotten. Until I just laid there in its unbearable grasp unmoving and uncaring, somewhere in my mind some part of me was screaming but I just didn't seem to care, it had taken my bodies blood, my minds thoughts, and everything I was and that screaming voice was becoming fainter, easier to ignore. Suddenly my wife was waking me up and I could still feel its limbs around me, it's scent in my nose, the taste of my blood, I could feel the countless cuts burning from the plants. I don't know what it means but it was so real, so tangible, the horror of it, as the light came and went, smelling it. How does the mind create such hyper-realistic dreams? Whatever is causing these dreams I'll be very happy to get passed them, at one point I even tried telling myself I was dreaming and tried waking up with little effect obviously.

Thank you Readers

I'm so grateful for your support, breaking 2000 reads for someone whose just thinking out loud sometimes means a lot, as thankful as I am for my family and friends who read this, I know they can't attribute to that many readers, I wish I could thank all of you, but I wouldn't begin to know how, so I will continue to invite you into my life, my thoughts, my work, and my woes while continuing to share stories with you, which I apologize for my lack of doing, I have the next chapter of Avalon and exile pretty much ready, and I'm happy to say the meeting finely happened with my friend whose working on a musical intro to the Avalon story as well as some ship specs, which so far looks beautiful, we may even looking into doing the whole story arc as a graphic novel, so fingers crossed, with your faithful readership I've been asked to do a 50pg treatment of the story and two "episodes" for a possible series, all thanks to your support, what started out as a single post because I was avoiding homework may turn into a graphic novel, movie and or TV series, and I have you all with help and support from my wife and friends.  I wish I knew how to show my thanks.

Church on Sunday. : UPDATED

Well we went, not only was it fast Sunday, but it was testimony sacrament, so for those of you not in the know that means after minutes of silence people slowly make there way to the front, and tell a little story proving the book of Mormon is real and Joseph was real and all that good stuff. After that there's business, bible study and upcoming activities.  I'm not sure how to put down my thoughts on church, it's so different from being catholic, which was my faith from 2000-to current though I've been struggling the last few years.  I was raised in a spiritual household but no real allegiance to any man-made church, I heard a lot what's the point of going to church, asking for forgiveness then going right back out to do it agian.  I've since learned that's not the teaching, just a human failing, we do that, stumble and fall occasionally.
   So from this spirituality I converted to the LDS or Mormon church in 1992, baptized on my birthday, after a slow decline and several bad situations it wasn't meeting that need, in '99 I hit rock bottom, and had an experience that changed my life.  At the time I was in a unhealthy relationship, after my conversion I made a commitment to be the person she deserved, ironically this led to the end of the relationship.  Afterwords I was left in a void, what to do, as you'll read in trapped by a miracle I decided to use my considerable gifts in a life of service not selfishness, ergo the priesthood.
    So after RCIA, (agian explained in the upcoming trapped by a miracle) I converted to the catholic church and began my journey to the priesthood, in the process I met my wife today, and after the events following us becoming a couple left a lot of pain.  I always said I'd be thankful to the Mormon church because they brought me to the catholic church and would never close the door, so I kept meeting with my home teacher, and one day when the sisters showed up, a new thing I'd never heard of female missionaries, we had a nice talk.  They've been welcome visitors pretty much every week for the last few years.
   They were over for thier visit and found out my wife was off Sunday and they have been inviting us to come to church probably since there first visit, but she's a manger and has to work weekends, and with school and an international work schedule, well what's Sunday for me isn't for my clients, being avalible 24/7 is good but it has it's downsides.  I love work and school, I know sick, but I'd chuck em both to be a graphic artist and musician but that doesn't pay the bills.
    Anyway back to the point, she was off, and I'd been up since 5am from an international confrence call so she had kind of decided why not go, I figured I was up, my schedule was forceably clear so why not, besides I really didn't want her being alone going through a totally alien mass which was so different from the one she had known.  Did it bring back memories, not all good, in fact though the experience itself was fine, mostly it brought back a lot of bad memories.  I don't really know how to explain it all, your uncomfortable, you don't really know anybody, or many people, some of those you do know, well you just don't like.  Of course they don't know you either so it's sort of this awkward dance of trying to feel each other out.  My new home teacher, as you might rember my last passed away suddenly, is very likable and seems very high up in the hierarchy to be out home teaching a pain in the ass inactive like me, but I do like him, we've both traveled around the world pretty extensively so we can talk about our adventures, he's a mountain climber, something I've wanted to do but Mt. Fuji was the biggest mountain I got to climb before my accident, he's also studied martial arts and seems to be very much a thinker and techie like myself.
   As much as I enjoyed Joe, and adored his wife other than both being catholic thier was little common ground, though I still find the though of him gone painful in a strange way, and seeing his wife at church, well let's just say under that sweet caring person, she's tough as nails, I'm not sure I could stand her shoes with such grace, and I continue to adore her and hope the best for her and her family.  Sorry agian back to church, in the end I just don't know, to me a catholic mass is magic at its highest, something potentially transforming and reaffirming every week, while LDS mass is antiseptic, stripped of its wonder and beauty, but the people at least on the surface are mostly great people, in the end I can see going back but how do you deal with the magic that's missing?   I don't know what the future holds but I've got a lot of questions for the sisters this week.

Appearance the false conclusion

NOTE: please read this in its fullness, as much as it might sound one way, hopefully it ends in the right way, otherwise I've failed to convey what I'm trying to illustrate.  Thank you.

Appearances, as stupid as it is we decide about someone in the first 15 seconds of meeting them our first impressions, which usually formulate the growing mindset of an individual.  I've known this to be true forever.  Observing how people's opinions have changed with my appearance have been painfully acute.  Like most in competitive sports I've taken my fair share of facial damage.  My nose has been broken, I've lost teeth, as my health has declined certain medications have made the teeth situation worse.  I'm not sure there are many martial arts that haven't had similar issues, after wars believed was a minor stroke the muscles around my right eye don't work right so it points the wrong way, after a car accident in 1990 ended my competition phase and spinal surgery in '95 fused improperly I have difficulty controlling my lower body, especially my left half.  

    Now that's the physical garbage right?  What matters is the person, you know the part of me that's got an IQ of 185(which is pretty meaningless), educated, well read, I used to be called charismatic, I used to have a coercive smile, something called "the look", which friends would jealously discuss.  I guess I still look younger than my age, my wife is 14 years younger and most people have no idea, when we went to counseling in the beginning to make sure we weren't making a huge mistake getting together with the age thing, I actually had to show her my ID.  Jump to today, I'm not handsome, never was, but add the eye, the teeth, the broken nose, I meet new people and no longer am I the charismatic, charmer knowledgeable on pretty much any topic you'd like to converse about, somehow I've become an uneducated poor person in need of pity and a hand out.

    When, and how did this happen? I speak and read about 15 languages (not fluently, but I get through), I've got over ten black belts, the result of over twenty years of hard work, which continues today.  I'm usually reading 5-6 books at any given time depending on which room I'm in, for fun, school and work books don't count.  I'm working on two multi-disciplinary doctorates and work with the guys and ladies we all watch on how the universe works, taboo, through the wormhole or any number of shows of this type.  Based on a few papers I've been asked to talk on a show like this myself, and am regularly asked to do webinars or presentations based on my papers at national and international labs and or universities.  Most people don't realize what I actually do, in simple terms I'm given a subject or problem, which I then must acquire usually what would amount to several different degrees worth of knowledge to write up the needed paper.  Sometimes it's ostiloligy, or forensics, sometimes it's cryptozoology.  I never know what I'm going to be hired to work on, but talk about serotonin uptake inhibitors and I know what your talking about it was part of the psycho-pharmacology and neurobiology paper I wrote last week.  Somehow I'm becoming the goto guy on B. I.  I. D. S. 

    Now this is not in any way meant to be a a how cool am I post, or a bitter rant against aging, or anything like that, I apologize if that's how it comes off, thinker here not a feeler.  What it is meant to be is a let's stop judging each other by what we look like, it means nothing, we are all the sum of our parts, our experience, our personality, our beliefs, the things we know.  I'm glad I've passed through this phase because I'll have surgery to fix the eye, and in time the teeth will be mended, the nose?  Well I kinda like the nose I think it adds character to my face, unless it becomes a health issue I'll probably leave it alone, then I'll be that charismatic charmer I was, but I'll know.  I'll know how you judge people, how you presume there the lowest common denominator, because I was you.  You know I've read the studies, moreover I have lived it, my intellect has always separated me from you, most of you will never come close to my intellect, as my counselor put it, I'm an alien on an alien world where few are my intellectual equals, but I can't paint, or draw some of you can.  Others can play an instrument, or are funny, we are all unique and special in our talents.

    When we begin thinking we're better than other people because we can sing, or speak 15 languages were failing as human beings.  Instead of prejudging people based on thier looks or even thier skills is rediculous and hopefully we can move to embracing the "weird" amongst us.  Because to me your weird, why do you cry or get hurt, waste your time on people not worthy of yours?  Maybe because we done really know what worthy means, like the homeless man in front of the theater that suddenly breaks into ave Maria, so beautifully I would never, could never understand how that man is not onstage.  I may have a brain the size of the planet, but I can't sing like an angel, or draw like some of my friends.  I'd give just about anything to be able to move people to tears with my voice evoking such emotion,  or give true physical tangible touching reality to the glittering images in my mind, what's raw computational power compared to that?

Guess were going to church with the LDS

Should be interesting I'll fill you in after the excitement, I'm also working on a few drafts I started last night which might be a little deep, thanks for the comments by the way I'll be addressing those in the drafts from last night, until after church then.... 3 hours btw I forgot how long church is there

Inventory of failure - who am I - Edited

Friend : I've failed as a friend

Son : I've failed as a son

Family : I've failed my siblings being neither roll model, or anything else unless maybe a cautionary tale.

Cousin : I've failed my cousins

Nephew : I've failed in being a nephew, in fact still today I'm not sure what a nephew is supposed to do.

Grandson : maybe here I haven't totally failed but fallen well below where I could have performed.

Uncle : I try to be the best uncle I can, and hope I have time to be a better one, for now I hope I've been a little successful as an uncle, time will tell, but as much as it shreds my heart, and at her age she probably doesn't remember but already there are broken promises, and I won't be there to catch her if she falls, I can only hope as she gets older, she knows were here, all she has to do is twitch a finger. I'll always be there to help her if she wants it.

   In almost every way I have failed those that matter in my life, whether I thought I was doing the right thing, or I can say I did what I thought was best, but I'm not going to be my own apologetic, this is about truth. I may be in school now, I may be working now, I was active in church, but that's come off the rails, I've learned I have a pretty heavy moral compass that functioned even in my evil days, and for those that know only this incarnation ask around I was evil, really evil and enjoyed it. Honestly on bad days I still enjoy it, but that's for another day.

   Here's a little story time, something I was told and should have heeded but ignored as usual.  inside each of us is a white dog and a black dog, by our deeds do we feed them until one grown large by our acts of kindness or selfishness one kills and eats the other. The survivor reigning in our hearts forever after.

Well in my life I fed them both pretty equally and when the fight for my soul came it was hard fast and brutal, I should have died. The white dog won, mostly. For me, instead of devouring the black dog it keeps it contained, can I still become that cruel selfish brutal narcissistic self serving person, yes! Sometimes I want to, but I see the pain, hurt and damage it's caused to those I love, and try to let the white dog do it's thing. Honestly,  attack or hurt those I care about and too often that black dog is off it's chain and I'm in action before I know it, it's why I love my other half, she understands that dog, realizes why it reacts and usually can control it. If it hadn't left so much carnage in it's wake I'd almost find it funny when certain people treat me unkindly knowing in the past they'd soon be facing the black dog, now I'm content or at least tolerate there behavior because I'll never really know if that fight is over, one day I may slip and act wrongly and feed that black dog one too many times and not recognize the man in the mirror.

If I find a faith that matches with my own moral compass, I'll be happy.

Formula for failure, for me anyway, comes down to all things being relative, the greater distance from the family core the less influence and importance your success or failure means. I. E. Your results are most important to your core/immediate family and decreases as you distance yourself to other relationships such as extended family, crazy as it sounds I have a formula and graphs illustrating my point, but ultimately there irrelevant to the main story here.

In almost every way either through youth, selfishness, health, whatever the
reason I have been a total failure.
For all the many gifts I've been given I've been an astonishing failure, as a son, as a brother, as a grand-son I've been maybe marginally better but still my narcissism and ego have continued to show more losses than wins, where my grandparents are concerned. Continuing the circle out I've failed aunts and uncles, cousins, my niece. Ultimately I've failed them all, and now only after forty do I see my error and it's mostly too late to change the damage done, even friends are more comfortable with me at a distance.

That's not to say after my life hit rock bottom around 2000, leading to a "change" in lifestyle I've tried my best to fix things, to often after being burned by me I'm the only one who wants things fixed. My friends now rarely believe the stories of the me that was they here, which are true, and in fairness to my old friends still choosing to be in my life are usually far kinder than the brutal truth.
Though I am over 40 friendships don't happen like they did when your twenty, just dropping into your lap.
I do leave out two categories in this story relationships and in-laws.
Obviously in the past, my relationships were unhealthy but still good for the most. For all the wrong and evil I've done in life usually it's not aimed at my relationships, and other than a few situations in-laws have always been fair, being on my best, most coercive, charming, sociopathic self, only seeing me on rare occasions I come off good, but after hitting rock bottom and changing everything I learned I was in relationships for all the wrong reasons, it's why I'm thankful for my time in the pre-priesthood, I learned to see woman as people not pieces to be moved across a board for some existential win. I became friends with a young lady, who years later as a young women would become the center of my life, for the first time being honest with in-laws led to constant often violent disagreement. I was not who they see thier daughter with. Yet after six years of healthy relationship, were both happy, in fact after a two week vacation when even the best couple would be wishing for some me time, we find were dreading an end to this time we've had. We've shared part of it with family, hers and mine. The time we spent with hers was probably the nicest time we've spent, was it scene-less, no, the last day was truly spectacular as why I don't like being there, but I need to understand families are different, I love my family and was raised different, mostly my family love, respect and enjoys my wife more than they do me, lol, that's ok she's that sweet, her family will probably never accept me, and I'll have to learn to accept what they can give, after all they've given me thier best already in thier daughter, wether they had any say or not, maybe thier finely getting it and trying in there way, it's just very different to the supporting loving way my family has embraced her, and even though I have failed them, they still reach out helping us in need, giving us that option to get our feet under us, and get a home and a life established.
I guess what I'm trying to say is appreciate your family and those in your life, even when you fail. It might not be to late to fix things, the past is long, the future always growing shorter, so appreciate people for who they are and what they've gone through, you never know when time will run out, and the clock is running on us all.

Lastly the failure yet to be, I think I'm a good husband, I think I'm supportive, I love my wife, (sans church or state but the commitments are all there), we take care of each other, we appreciate each other and we both know it, but the final test, will I be a good father? Will I even get the chance?  If I get that option, there's never a guarantee, what sort of father will I be?  The dark side is always there ready to embrace you.  Different from my fathers, yes I'll be the home body, but all hypotheses aside can I be a father, I'm scared of the world, it's not one I want to live in much less my kids, will my body or my life hold out to see and be apart of those events that matter? Only god in his or her heaven knows, and silence seems the standard answer so in the end all I have is hope and a white dog, and my best friend, partner in crime, my heart and soul, my wife. Hopefully that will be enough and who knows with time and work family and friends can be mended, so as to having failed and being a failure I'll leave the final judgement to those who come after.

Families - why so hard

Families, why are they so hard. You would think a family would want to try to mend rifts and maintain a healthy dynamic. Yet I'm not sure anymore what a healthy dynamic is. I know in-laws come with thier own baggage of expectations and desires, but intimite families who've grown up together, suffered, loved, laughed, hurt, and cried together should understand you better than anyone.
Life is so short, and can end in a moments notice, or no notice, how bad an argument can you have had twenty years ago to not realize when death calls its too damn late to fix things. I know I'll never get what I needed, nor say what I should have to my biological dad, nor will my stepfather ever see me as anything other than that problem causing teen ager, even though I'm going on my mid40's.
Yeah it took me until my thirties to get my act together, and I hurt a lot of people in that time, but with time and effort leopards can change thier spots. Do they stay changed or is it temporary? I can't honestly say, all I do know is I struggle to do things right, make the right moral choices even if it means a harder road, could I take advantage and use people and get wealthy yea I'm sure I can, could I look at myself in the mirror afterwords, I doubt it. I've had money and know happiness isn't found in wealth, just the addiction for more. Do I wish I had more than I do, hell yes, but at what point do I get when I fail to know the man in the mirror? Agian as long as I know I'm on the hard road hopefully I'm on the right one.
So how do I fix what's been broken in my family? Is it possible? You can build the bridge but you can't make a person cross.
I waited my whole life waiting for my biological father to get it, hoping if nothing else on his death bed looking back he'd see what he missed out on, a son! Disappointed agian, in the end he passed raving about how I was stealing his money, and robbing him blind, as he gave his debit card to a "family friend" who went on monthly yahoo trips, using every cent he had. When he passed I had to borrow money from my mother, who pretty much loathed him because the thought of him in a paupers grave devastated my soul, it's yet another thing I'll love my mom forever for, she didn't do that for him, she did it for me, so something good came out of the pain.
Back to the immediate family, and slightly extended, why hang on to these issues from so long ago, I know I was mad for so long I forgot what I was mad about, for so long the armor and sword protecting me from pain, had been hurting me, alienating me from those that mattered. Will we fix things before its to late? Is it to late already? All I know is we're alive, and with life comes hope, either we fix things and become a family agian, or the diaspora continues, and when my beloved nana, the matriarch is finely called home, our family will be what it was before her, nothing and nobody, I can only believe in hope, and with age and experience, I'm the second eldest, they will see in the end family is all you have.

Birthdays, I hate them.

Birthdays, I can't believe I'm the only one who has a love/hate relationship with them.  Growing up birthdays kind of had a hipocracy element to them, I won't go into specifics, but even then thier was the ignore reality and put on a happy face, now as an adult your staring down the twin barrels of age and mortality, thinking about those gone, or could be gone soon, wounds you've left behind because your young, stupid and selfish.  So guilt struggles against the good memories which always seem tainted by someone eventually being hurt, you end up trapped between dread for the inevitability of the future, the mistakes you've made, where you wanted to be now, and what's up the road around the corner for those coming after you.
   How can you promise to be there for those that matter when it's inevitable you can't nor wont. I love my niece, my siblings, friends, and family but there's a wall that seems unmovable and unshakable.  So once agian that birthday where you go over that moral inventory of your life, where you have been, where your at, and where and what you want to achieve with the ever shrinking time you have left. Alone in this inventory how can you avoid that same hipocracy from childhood, put on a happy face everything is wonderfully moving forward, your selfish if you think otherwise, your alive, have a home and food when others are lacking the basic needs in life.
   I find birthdays and Christmas for that matter a huge struggle, thanksgiving too.  Maybe it's true, maybe it is selfish when I'm typing this in a top of the line iPad, we have a beautiful mustang, iPhones, wifi, blurays, DVR's and all the rest while others fight for life, yet I still struggle.  Acceptance from family, pride from my father and siblings, heck conversations with my siblings would be nice, but that's the past, something's cant be fixed, while the moments of life countdown I'm still left with out the knowledge or ability as to how to fix what's gone before, I'm not sure I know how to avoid making the same mistakes, and how do you get where you want to be, or protect those in your care without making whole new mistakes, I just hate this yearly trap of self evaluation where you can never live up to your own expectations.
   Missing those who've passed on who've meant a lot to you, or those you never had a chance to mend things with, trying to get the most with others who may not be with you much longer.  Trying to figure out how to do the best you can for those still with you, while fixing things with those you've hurt.  Maybe it is selfish, I don't see myself starting to love my birthday anyway, but I've said this is a place for honesty, so here it is, on my birthday I'd rather be alone if I can't be with someone who understands how much this is not a celebration but a day of mourning, there are so many whove gone ahead, and so many relationships I can't fix, so much in my past I don't even know.

   Guess its time for the happy face, why does the abyss seem so close on days like this?

Sorry to say meeting canceled

Due to heat, it's almost 100degrees in here so we decided to try for Friday, hopefully we can get together and go over some arc points. I want to start seeding elements into the next chapter but before I publish it I would like another opinion on it. I'd rather not write myself into a corner at the moment. Until we met next time hope you're enjoying the material.

New updates thanks south America,

So happy to see Japan and my mother country Portugal, I'm half Portuguese so I've been hoping to get readers from some of the places I have DNA from. thank you everyone for visiting.

Aviators, best head phones ever

As many of you might know my birthday is coming up, and among other things my better half got me a pair, of aviators. If you don't know they are one of the best headsets I've ever seen. All leather and gold, around the ears, with gold plated connecters. Plugs into my iPhone, iPad, and of course my iPod. The noise cancelation and full sound quality is amazing. It even came with a leather carry case, and polishing cloth for the clear amber bells for the ears. A few weeks ago when she was at best buy getting a replacement set of ear buds she tried these on, I thought just to tease. With her regular ear buds I could hardly hear her with the store noise in the background. As soon as she plugged these in it was like she was in a studio, silence-just her sweet voice, I was stunned. I felt bad because she likes surprises I don't, so I get my present early, she left them in the restroom thinking I'd eventually go in, as usual work, emails, conferences, a family phone call, a friend called. By that point she had to go to bed, she finally said go into the restroom. I was a little confused, but I did, and there in all there leather and gold glory were my aviators. She really does make me a lucky guy, I can't imagine life without her loving giving spirit, but her heart and mind are always what keeps me coming back for more, yeah she's beautiful, and smart but so are a lot of people, but how many are the whole package. She really does make me want to be a better person, I wish I could give her more, until then take care

Meeting tonight about Avalon

I'm meeting with my author friend, check out his book materials at ringdragonz.com really great book, and his music is incredible, not to mention his art. He's given me some great story arc points, hopefully no one will see coming. I'm pretty into sci-fi and I've never seen or read anything quite like this, so I hope you enjoy it, I apologize before hand but with multiple conventions I am presenting papers at, and fall session starting things may be hectic, but please take this opportunity to read some of the older stuff, and I will continue to do my best to get at least one post out a day, hopefully I'll have some sketches for you based on the Avalon stories such as what Aery looks like, maybe even a teaser of what the nemesis of her crew looks like well have to see what my buddies have time for.

I'm scared for the world future

Looking at the things going on in the US politics is becoming very scary, that some of these people are in power and aspire to higher places yet.  They don't care about people, our country, or the world. They don't care about the future or the worlds conditions as our children and the generations to come.  I can't understand why the woman who are being subjugated, why we fought WW2 when we've become exactly what we fought against.  The elderly, disabled, minorities all being trapped in a enviorment of second class citizens, new laws being created to validate more prisons for construction companies, food suppliers, uniform companies, security firms, Ect.  Anyone who says thier isn't a prison industrial complex is choosing delusion over reality.  Why are we putting pot smokers behind bars? Or the mentally ill?  Would these people not be better served by being someplace where they can get help?  If the wealthy in this country are so damned patriotic why are they hiding there money in off shore accounts, letting the middle class die off, we're an endangered species, who's going to brush thier horses, clean up after them, maintain thier mansions once were gone, trust me, you may think your immortal but some day you or someone you care about will become chronically ill, then what will happen? Amongst my other health issues I happen to have a very ordinary allergy to fish, usually it's not a problem I can live without to much fear because I have an epi-pen. My new insurance won't authorize it because my doctor is not thier doctor. I pay out of pocket to see my own doctor because none of the insurance doctors will except me, my case is to complex, they won't get any money from me, as the insurance pays the same amount no matter how often I'm seen. They refuse to do the diagnostic tests requested by my dr. because they may reveal more problems. If this is medical care now how much worse will it be, when people like queen Anne can take a pill people like me helped design to cure her MS, and the people who discovered, and researched to create that pill are allowed to die because there not part of the 1%?
Why do I have to be responsible and not have kids because we can't afford the LIFETIME of needs when others are having kids 8 at a time with out any thought? Cody brown from sister wives admits he can't afford to put his kids through college, according to M'lord Romney that's thier tough luck. Isn't it a human right to food, housing, healthcare and education? NO!, the religious right wing doesn't want education unless it's thier idea I'd education, thier facts, thoughts, ideology, history, screw reality or critical thinking that might let people think for themselves. I mean look at the Red states, is it an accident there the highest in poverty and lowest in educational opportunity? Education and critical thinking is the doom of religion, they think. If only they would look at the truly incredible wonders which our world and the universe holds. God doesn't need thier help, really, how great is the hubris they practice to think god created all this but needs thier uneducated backwards thinking person-hoods to shape his or her reality. Yeah read the original texts, god could have been a her. All these churches espousing truth with thier version of god in a box, just 10% of your income and your golden, well that's the biggie most add on laws and rules which they tend to be the first to find loopholes to get around. So this is America's future ruled by a theocracy and aging Plutarch's grasping hands. Someone please tell me how or why I shouldn't be afraid because as long as we're watching TV, and scratching out a living just to stay alive paying taxes we won't benefit from, and tithing to churches which won't be there when we need them, we've already lost. Do they really think the rest of the world is going to stand aside and watch America devour itself? YES. We've made to many enemies, and even our allies have been angered and humiliated by these people. Anyway these are just the scared thoughts of someone trapped in a country that is no longer the one I was born into. Where big brother exists is pseudo-religious form, as they change the foundation this great nation was built on to serve thier own grasping ambitions, funny isn't it the religious right who has sought to refute Darwin will ultimately prove him right as they plunge this nation into a Darwinian nightmare of red in tooth and claw as brother turns on brother and Romny's dream of a dog eat dog world happens. So go ahead change the voting area, change the laws so only your people can vote, in the end no tyrant can rule forever, your darkness will end, even if it means eventually your atrocities will come to light and we will be liberated by those whose faith, knowledge, and thinking, thier ability to reason has not been obfuscated and destroyed. You may be able to take America but you'll never control the world. I try to take solace that if the worse comes to pass, future generations will be freed from your aging, grasping theocratic plutarchs. I hope I'm wrong, I hope we the people are not to far gone, but hope dwindles and in the absence of light darkness thrives.

Death of Bin Laden, and books

Breaking from Newsmax.com AP: SEALs Contradict bin Laden Death Account WASHINGTON – A firsthand account of the Navy SEAL raid that killed Osama bin Laden contradicts previous accounts by administration officials, raising questions as to whether the terror mastermind presented a clear threat when SEALs first fired upon him. Bin Laden apparently was hit in the head when he looked out of his bedroom door into the top-floor hallway of his compound as SEALs rushed up a narrow stairwell in his direction, according to former Navy SEAL Matt Bissonnette, writing under the pseudonym Mark Owen in "No Easy Day." The book is to be published next week by Penguin Group (USA)'s Dutton imprint. Editor's Note: Urgent: Get 'No Easy Day' with our incredible $4.95 Offer — save $22! This book has not been released yet — so order today! Go Here Now! Bissonnette says he was directly behind a "point man" going up the stairs. "Less than five steps" from top of the stairs, he heard "suppressed" gunfire: "BOP. BOP." The point man had seen a "man peeking out of the door" on the right side of the hallway. The author writes that bin Laden ducked back into his bedroom and the SEALs followed, only to find the terrorist crumpled on the floor in a pool of blood with a hole visible on the right side of his head and two women wailing over his body. Bissonnette says the point man pulled the two women out of the way and shoved them into a corner and he and the other SEALs trained their guns' laser sights on bin Laden's still-twitching body, shooting him several times until he lay motionless. The SEALs later found two weapons stored by the doorway, untouched, the author said. In the account related by administration officials after the raid in Pakistan, the SEALs shot bin Laden only after he ducked back into the bedroom because they assumed he might be reaching for a weapon. White House spokesman Tommy Vietor would not comment on the apparent contradiction late Tuesday. "No Easy Day" was due out Sept. 11, but Dutton announced the book would be available a week early, Sept. 4, because of a surge of orders due to advance publicity that drove the book to the top of theAmazon.com and Barnes & Noble.com best-seller lists. The Associated Press purchased a copy of the book Tuesday. In another possibly uncomfortable revelation for U.S. officials who say bin Laden's body was treated with dignity before being given a full Muslim burial at sea, the author reveals that in the cramped helicopter flight out of the compound, one of the SEALs called "Walt" was sitting on bin Laden's chest as the body lay at the author's feet in the middle of the cabin. The publisher says the author used pseudonyms for all the SEALs. Beyond such embarrassing observations, U.S. officials fear the book may include classified information, as it did not undergo the formal review required by the Pentagon for works published by former or current Defense Department employees. Officials from the Pentagon and the CIA, which commanded the mission, are examining the manuscript for possible disclosure of classified information and could take legal action against the author. In a statement provided to The Associated Press, the author says he did "not disclose confidential or sensitive information that would compromise national security in any way." Bissonnette's real name was first revealed by Fox News and confirmed to The Associated Press. How could fox publish his name doesn't that put him at huge risk to Bin Laden loyalists? Jihadists on al-Qaida websites have posted purported photos of the author, calling for his murder. © 2012 Newsmax. All rights reserved. Editor's Note: Urgent: Get 'No Easy Day' with our incredible $4.95 Offer — save $22! This book has not been released yet — so order today! Go Here Now! This email is never sent unsolicited. You have received this Newsmaxemail because you subscribed to it or someone forwarded it to you. To opt out, see the links below. TO ADVERTISE For information on advertising, please contact Newsmax Advertising Salesvia email. TO SUBSCRIBE If this email has been forwarded to you and you would like to sign up, please click here. Remove your email address from our list or modify your profile. We respect your right to privacy. View our policy. This email was sent by: Newsmax.com 1501 Northpoint Parkway, Suite 104 It seems to me this is just crazy, since when did soldiers write books about thier military experiences, how anything on this subject can not be classified is beyond me, as much as I respect and honor our fighting men and woman, thier should be a time period before a book should be able to be written.  If the subject matters could endanger citizens and foreign policy should it be allowed? Reading thus article really bothered me on some level, I'm not sure exactly what, it just seems to me that if I'm bound by non-disclosure to the point about mailers, and cloud based systems with classified work product, how can a soldier write a book which could enflame situations with Pakistan, as well as other Muslim nations, it seems to me it's totally hear say designed to create a negative impression of the current presidency during an election, the fact they were planning a 9/11 release date makes it even more so.  I really hope this is worth it to the soldier who wrote this book, because the blow back from it seems like it could be bad, is it worth endangering his life, and the life of his family?  Anyway just some thoughts.