I've spent the last ten+ years trying to make up for the evils of my life before the event which transformed my life. It hasn't been easy, I didn't expect it to be, many don't believe I've really changed, some don't want to risk it, but I try to accept the things I can't change, while changing that which I can. Since then I've gotten an incredible job, have gone back to school, where once a 2.0 was a good semester, now anything less than a 4.0 is very much failure on my part. I've gotten letters from senators, the president.
I've been invited to speak at conventions at distinguished labs and universities based on my research papers, why does it hurt that I'm still seen as the monster I was, or the spoiled teen/tween I was? Is it so wrong to want acceptance from your parents and siblings? To know their proud of me? To know my in-laws except I'm good enough for thier daughter? It seems like no matter what I achieve it's not enough, all that matters are my past sins, not my current achievements.
You can only hear the statement that the only person who matters is yourself, or your spouse before you just start feeling more stupid. Why is it so wrong to want to hear your family is proud of how far you've come, and what you've achieved? You in-laws be happy you make thier daughter happy, and make the world better for her?
I understand this pain is not unusual, I guess it's fairly common. I know my spouse is proud of everything I've achieved, and that matters, I love her. Does that make me selfish that it all still hurts. I didn't ask to be in a car accident, I was a martial artist, I was a somebody, granted I hid my real life from everyone, even my closest friends, you don't want people to know just how much of a monster you are. Back then I didn't care about thier acceptance, so my travels, my competitions around the world where hidden from everybody.
Most of my family still don't know how much of the world I've seen, the places I've competed, almost everything involving martial arts has been kept secret, living in stealth I've recently read. Yes I understand living in stealth. Only the few in that circle of my life knew the events, and circles don't mix. Now at 42 in a few weeks I'm trying to repair my life, and live it openly and honestly.
Only the wife knows everything about all the circles, even the most monstrous. She knows I may have a daughter, something I've never told anyone. Idk if is true, she left me, but how can I not wonder? Anyway having spent my life living in stealth keeping each of my circles separate, I'm now
finding them clashing together painfully. I waited my entire life for those words about love and pride from my biological father.
I thought at least on his death bed he'd realize what he'd missed out on being an absentee father, his constant attacks and accusations left me in angry tears my fiancé at the time was herself constantly upset by my impotent rage and pain, I had to cut him off, as my biological father lay dying I wouldn't see him. From what the nurses said in the end he was still railing against me for stealing his money. Just so you understand he lived with his mother until he was hospitalized in his 60's, never wrote a check, or payed a bill, or went shopping, never really gave presents, he was a hells angel biker guy, in other words waiting for his words of love and pride, I got accusations of stealing something he didn't even have.
Don't get me wrong even though we went through some terrible times my mom has always been there, though our relationship has changed today, thier are still secret circles she's unaware of, such as the extant of my word travel, and martial arts. I always felt this was such a taboo issue I can't explain the lengths I went to keeping them secret, even today. I dare say my family knows I have multiple black belts, trained in over ten forms, weapons, firearms. Like I said the only person who knows everything is the wife, and honestly some of that's because she found a folder with all my certificates, since then there's no reason to keep secrets, besides I wanted her to know so nothing could come out of left field. So she knows everything, but I've gotten totally off topic.
Will I ever get the acknowledgement I desire, or is this a lost cause? Is acceptance from in-laws impossible? I hope I find the answer.
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