Secrets, they seem to consume our lives, yet we still go out of our way to fill our lives with them. Much of my life is secret, only one person knows them all, it's a lonely life.
Yet judgement forces secrets on us, we would never be accepted without them. The little white lies that makes society work, they shades of grey we must live in to survive, and the big nasty black lies we'd be despised for if people knew. Then the day comes and you desire true acceptance but the secrets are a veil you cannot penetrate. How do you reveal that which cannot be revealed?
We seem to find any reason to judge each other, and if we can find the means to alienate each other based on things like appearance, or hearsay, how much worse would it be if people knew the entire truth about us. I have sought to be honest usually painfully honest with the people around me, and yet the secrets of the past, the secret of who I am remain. If you have been reading the avalon story you know the captain has a terrible dark secret which a few members of the crew happen to know. Probably because of the psionic connections, but as I don't really know where each chapter is going we will all learn about it in time. The point being is I don't know her secret, I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what secret could be so terrible it has lead her to make the choices she has. Which leads me to my point, my secrets.
Have my secrets and the process of holding them out of fear of persecution when I've tried so hard for the last twelve years to be a better person, lead me to make wrong choices? Only my wife knows them all. It's one of the reasons I love her so much, she does know them and doesn't judge but loves me unconditionally. So how and when do you reveal those secrets? As I struggle with the many issues which have erupted during my moral inventory, I feel these secrets may well be a recurring issue. I've made so many mistakes in my life and tried so hard for the last twelve years to be a good person and make up for what i've done wrong, making amends where I can, while trying to be of service to my community to try to make amends for my selfishness. Yet here we are, still knocking on the sky hoping to get a response.
Secrets - such a paradox. I am both freed by having some secrets and yet the same secrets hold me prisoner. Half of my life is always lived within the shadows and most only see the half I live within the light. It would be so nice to step fully into the light, but time and time again I see what that does and so I creep back so light only hits half of me. Often all we can do is to live our lives the best we can and try to find a balance between light and dark.
ReplyDeleteThat's where my dilemma stems from, trying to live honestly how can you sit comfortably in the shadows, and yet I've seen all to clearly how people treat those who do step into the light, it's a struggle I guess to ever be sure of the right thing to do
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