My Tripod

As much as I have begun to enjoy this blog I've realized it's a tripod, very unstable, I write stories, poetry and art, which is one leg it stands on, I also stand on my soapbox and think out loud, most times not oping but just thinking, trying to determine how I feel about a subject, another leg.  Lastly I talk about my life, what's going on, who I am, what I do, that sort of thing.  This would be leg three.
   I struggle constantly to balance the tripod having little input from the readers, if your a regular reader and come back, I wish I knew which you were coming back for.  Or over 1000 hits, are you all just random readers who come once and never return?  I wish I knew.  I can't improve or add more of what you like if I don't know, are you trying to comment and can't as a few have said, I don't know how to improve things if I don't know where the problems are.

   I am trying to go back and clean up old posts with the new format, but it has it's bugs still, I appreciate you reading and hope your enjoying what I'm offering.  Forgive the latest short story, it was a first attempt in that style, but agian I hope it was still enjoyable, I may update it in time.

   I just want to say I'd like to talk more about work, but everything I do is covered by a non-disclosure form, considering the topics were researching I understand why, but it makes talking about work, and school difficult at times.  I also learned nobody wants to hear about your health problems, so I try to censor the stuff I don't think anyone is interested in, which sometimes clashes with my open and honest principle.  I will always be open and 100% truthful in what I post.

   Sometimes that's inconvenient because you might already know, my wife and I are not on best terms with her parents, as her mother is now on my FB, I'm guessing if she doesn't know about this blog she will, I'm still not censoring myself.  My wife understands this is bigger than a school project now, and is willing to deal with blowback since they refuse to deal with me.  They like to catch her alone when I'm not there, I know great parents, like I said I'm not filtering this for them, they've created this situation, if they want it fixed, well we haven't left the state yet, but that might not be far off.  Actually just so you know I'm being fair, you know how little time my wife and I have, and how jealously we guard it, she has a vacation coming up we offered to stay a few days with them, if they wanted, to chill, chat and spend time with each other.  We were going to go camping, just us time.  Instead we're trying agian... I'm going into this pre-biased but open minded.

   Guess you'll hear how it goes, it's still a few weeks away, but usually the shock waves are felt around the world. Don't worry you'll feel it when it happens.  We're also going to the musical to see Les Mis, one of my favorite shows.  As my wife has her degree in directing theater arts, she's also a big fan.  I can't believe she's never seen this one, glad I get to take her.  I'm looking forward/dreading the how we met post, being a sociopath makes relationships hard, on both of us, but I do love her, more than anything, I let my family including my little niece move a state away to be with her, after six years we've never fought, or raised our voices at each other, her unselfish giving makes me want to be a better person for her, the lesson there I think is if there's someone out there for a monster like me, there's someone for everyone, we used to joke shed smuggle iced soda waters to hell for me, but in truth she has well and truly saved my life and soul, thanks for reading everyone.

PS : I hope everyone finds there other half, until your complete and whole you don't know what your missing, knowing they know you, and all your baggage and love you unconditionally, that your truly safe and can let down your guard because they will never knowingly hurt you, science says this is a biological survival tool, I'm sure atheists have a similar thought, I just call it the greatest of gifts I'm truly unworthy of.

Awakenings a new phone coming soon

Awakening

I woke up, stalking through the house, damn James and his music.  It's strange discordant tones and eery melodies shook the walls.  You'd think after spending a life time with him I'd have gotten used to his spook shit music, but I just was not in the mood for it today.  Last night was long, my head still hurt from his new toy.  Banging on his door brought no response, shock.  Finely after more banging and a little yelling I threw the door open.
   Something was seriously wrong. James was sitting in his chair, falling back against the wall.  At first I thought he was passed out, but the room felt wrong.  We had been around death enough times.  I pressed my finger tips against his throat, nothing.  I stepped out of the room, the last thing I saw, the strange static oscillating on his screen.  Making my way to our living room, my living room?  I tried to figure out what to do.  I know you'd call the cops, but we weren't your normal citizens.  Hell the police had been here enough in the past.
   You have to understand we have been searchers of the truth, the real truth since we were in high school.  We had traveled the world, searching through tombs in Egypt, temples in Samothrace,  deserts, swamps, cults, wizards, warlocks, shaman on reservations.  We have probably the largest collection  of occult books in the world.  Our library of artifacts we've collected over the years was extensive.  Over  the years we've done rituals, summoned things which probably haven't walked this world in aeons, blood had been shed, some ours, sometimes others.  Its amazing how many people will put themselves into your power if you pretend to be a vampire, hell maybe we were vampires, we took thier blood and thier lives for our dark tasks.
   Eventually we found an incredible book.  It cost James a fortune, he could have bought an island for what that book cost, and then we find its in a language no one knows.  At first I thought
we got screwed, it was  scam, but James was always the more brilliant.  I always was the better researcher, he was lazy but had moments of inspiration, only the dark gods could provide, where as I preferred the anal setup,  memorizing the rituals, opening the doorways.  If a throat needed to be cut, well people should be more careful who they drink with, right?
   James, in one of those moments of inspiration decided to higher a programer to decode the book.  Hysterically when I met this programmer he had no idea who or what we were about, guess he's lucky we needed him, the basement was full of bodies just like his.  Shit, long story short he translated the book, but damn if it wasn't complicated.  He talked about equations, and fractals, strange attractors, algorithms which created angles that couldn't exists in reality.  What the hell was this book.  We've stumbled on something really dark.
   But this kid comes up with a brilliant idea, he'd create a temple inside the computer, like some stupid virtual game.  Basically a Sims occult library and temple, where all of our artifacts, and books would be scanned in, and we could perform this ritual inside the computer where everything could be programmed in perfect.  The dark beings we could call up in that virtual darkness, connected through all those wires, such life.  Ehhh, the doors we could open.  Last night we tried.  
   We installed the headsets, earbuds fitting snugly, the optics wrap around and close fitting, in the darkness before the simulation started there was a creepy silence, I can only liken to that of the grave.  Suddenly I could see him standing near me, well what he looked like here, dark robes, black as night barely visible against the slowly rising fire-lit tomb we had chosen to be our home.
   I can't say it wasn't an amazing creation, moving nearly instantly into the library, summoning the books right to you as if by magic.  I'm glad we let the creator live, this place was a work of art.  We had tried several summonings with varying results, but it made study so simple, even if to often I'd forget the avatars we wore, only to be shocked by our horrific vistas at times.  We opened doorways to places which should not be, taught by electronic creatures fed by the billion souls connected to those wonderful fiber optics, creating beautiful pipelines to the soul for the wet, smacking hungry things we called up.
    Last night we had tried our greatest feat, seeking to open a doorway across space and time, to when the ancient ones once walked our world in truth, and we succeeded, well the computer said we succeeded, but after a strange burst of static left me doubting, I guess James went back in, maybe he had a heart attack, I don't know.
   Suddenly the tv came on automatically, programmed as home guard, the news was talking about something, it took me a few seconds to understand what I was hearing.  Last night millions of Internet users were dead, just dead.  No one knew why or how, still apparently the users of several MMORPG systems were now dead.  Did we do that somehow?  Damn, I thought I had turned that music off, standing I turned and stopped short, breathless, there he was, James standing there but like a twisting hologram, floated his avatar around him,  in ghostly relief his twilight robes licked with black flames, his hand reached out to me, I heard a voice that was not James, it was, yet wasn't, thier was truly something soulless about that voice I knew as well as my own.
   As I turned to flee, I felt his hand grasp my shoulder, icy tendrils enwrapped throughout my body freezing me in my steps, his hand, if there was still anything left of James, he forced me to turn, his sibilant hiss  forcing my head to rise to meet his gaze, when the last I would ever see, his luminescent gaze flickered with static, deeper, and deeper I watched, drawn along into his twisted core through rip-tide fractals, and strange non-Eucliedian angles, my soul was ripped to pieces leaving shredded pieces of my self devoured by that which should not be named, my last coherent thought as these mind bending curves twisted my mind into insanity, I realized I really hated James's damned music.

Officers Note: this document was found in the home of two believed satanists, who according to a programmer they hired was payed to use dangerous graphics and binaural rhythms known to cause seizures, at this time it is not believed to be tied to the deaths of those using the Symbiotic MMORPG systems previously.  At this time these deaths are being recorded as accidental, due to the fact of using dangerous software.

Unrelated Note: Certain watchdog groups have noticed a large number of tragic murders and deaths by those having used the Symbiotic network, it is unknown if these murder/suicides and other events are related to a new technology recently deployed by Symbiotic, soon to be released as a new operating system for thier new smart phone, the Avatar, which will be available at a electronics store near you.

Avalon chapter eight

   She awoke abruptly fears of the hounds rising as she sensed thier nearness.  "calm, sister, calm... your mind was near dissolution, we would not see you harm your self", said a voice, female, beautiful, so full of radiant all knowing wisdom.  Trying to move she realized she was strapped down and blind.  Her minds eye equally blind, she began to panic, struggling against her bonds.  "please sister, be calm...we shall release you, we did not desire harm to come to you, flesh is so....fragile,"  The voice spoke now with what sounded like infinite sadness, maybe even regret.
   Suddenly she realized her limbs were her own, and a cool cloth woven of some strange material she'd never seen was removed, then vanished.  Moving slowly she sat up, not wanting to be restrained agian.  Suddenly she thought of her crew mates, images of a time  before when she was being held by a cold unfeeling force while something tenebrous had been crawling through her mind pulling at her thoughts.  Nearly as quick as she could think,  an image of Jo jo appeared in the air before her.
   Jo jo, how he must despise her, his brown hair, and dark eyes you could fall into forever, with his strong rim forged body, compared to her icy blue eyes, long straight white hair, thin frame, small breasts and edenic features.   Her chest heaved and hitched at the thought of him.  Knowing that firm, calloused hand would never touch her like he even touched that ship.  It was safer than she was, even though both of them had been born in the core, as a rye chuckle escapes her soft throat, her eugenic modification banned as unholy by his people, her heart catches in her pulsing chest, her breathing becomes jagged, psionic, damned, she's a psi, rasped out, she's abomination.  He could never even see her, she was everything his people despised, in the end the ship was more real, both things of the imperium, both eugenically modified, both, she couldn't think it, his faith didn't speak of ships only sentients.
   "be still sister, you worry yourself, tell us more of your crew, and your people, we've slept eons, waiting to come forth in the age of companions, but are you ready to join us"?  A warmth suffused her, calming her like a balm, taking away the pain.  Pain, she thought of the doctor, so strange, like a giant squid floating around on helium filled bladders, but his multiple arms made him an incredible doctor. Even if he was prone to change colors with his moods, and his thoughts strange and angular.  Poor Den, growing up on Hadean.  He was EG too.  Not like her though, his dark skin, and black in black eyes.  Dark gills, and spots all over his body.  She understood, just as she'd been modified for Intelligence, beauty, genetic skill, and psi potential, he'd been modified to thrive.  While she was made unto everything desirable, he was made into everything to survive and serve, though that was left unsaid but never forgotten. His body utilized everything, allowing for almost no waste, what little his body failed to find a use for was excreted through sweat.  He was always so lonely, and sad but you never knew, always laughing, trying to cheer up the rest of the crew.  The first with a laugh or a joke.  Yet his thoughts always circling around the captain.
   Strange how as she thought of these things they seemed to appear in front of her, in full detail, she could almost see things shed never noticed before.  From out of the darkness a new voice was heard, cold, making her skin prickle.   "This takes to long, return her to me, I will finish extracting the information needed", her heart began to race,  blood going cold, she wanted nothing to do with that voice, didn't want it inside her mind.  She began to withdraw her mind into that safe core, reaching out for the others, the captain, Aery, anyone.  "you see brother, you move to quickly, she is not ready, move slowly, the answers come we have waited and slumbered what's a small amount of time, to create emissary?"
   Jandi remembered a trip she once took to the kissing river with friends, it had become a place the young would come to swim and escape the heat, and control of the authority for a short time consuming fermented juices and other illicits. One day they had gone out and a boy she wasn't very much fond of had produced what he called a Queryan blossom. It was truly beautiful, it's azure, cerulean and royal purple petals glowing with it's own inner bio-luminescent light.  She didn't want it destroyed, they were very rare, coming from only one world on the far outer rim.  They were expensive beyond belief to acquire, you could probably by a whole world with the cost of one flower, the world from which they came was in one of the many regions of space owned and governed by those not wanting to abide by imperium law.
    So they had seized large portions of the rim, and whether feudal lord, criminal empire, or corporate realm they protected thier regions of space violently she had heard.  How Jorvan had gotten the blossom was a total mystery, as she moved to stop him he laughingly threw the blossom into the fire, "it's ok, my old man's nearly blind from looking into these things", for a single moment the bloom became so incandescent you could only look away, its odor unlike anything she'd smelled before then the light consumed her as the azure smoke began to rise.  Carrying her mind with it.  For a moment she understood he had stolen the blossom from his father, then all thought had fled from her.  She was a creature of instinct flying over land between sea and sky.  Observing her world as it was, is, and one day will be.  Her mind stretched out beyond her world, out into the deep void, she craved so desperately.  Looking back at her world, she could sense all of the tiny minds like flickering lights, and sought her parents. Finding thier minds pattern easy enough, she could hear their thoughts, draconian syndrome, the bane of psi's for generations.  Tales told of how an out of control dragon had ended the days of old terra in fire and blood.  She knew a little about S. T. S., Synaptic teratogenic syndrome, no one knew what caused it, but it was terrible.  Causing dementia, and physical coma, while the mind remained trapped, useless, and helpless inside the decaying body.  How could they believe she had D. S.  That was impossible, or she thought it was, until that day she overheard her friends, saying those awful things.
   It all came rushing back, the hounds, her fleeing, being sent off to Trinity station that night for her protection.  Then that calming warmth returned, "calm yourself, you are not this dragon you fear, nor we're you ever, we have helped you though.  We've increased your potential a thousand fold", the voice whispered in her mind, "no, no, no, you can't have, oh great maker no, he'll despise me forever", she thought sinking deeper in despair.  "No, sister we've made you better, stronger, no longer an unweeded garden, you are now in full bloo-", she's cut off as a tearing rending thought shatters the aether, "you've ruined me FOREVER, and I'm not your sister".  Then Jandi knew only an alien darkness as it wrapped its tendrils around her body, and mind.

Tarot

Occult tool, doorway to the human unconscious, psychology tool.

The tarot has had man who've practiced it over the centuries. I'd like to say that anything still being used must have it's true uses, if it didn't work how could it still be so common. Yet the answer to that is far to simple but still I'm loath to just right it off. Like many of the occult practices we've discovered them to be the forbears of modern science.

Alchemy has become chemistry while magic has become physics, astrology became astronomy and so on.

Needless to say there's more to say here but the phone is ringing so I'll write more tommorow.

Life lesson from Bristoll Palin

"life doesn't just hand you things, you have to work for it", really are you kidding me?  When you've had a job, and actually done something productive with your life then maybe you can talk.  Really I don't even know where to start with that, ignorance can be fixed by education, stupid is as stupid does.  That's like Donald trumps kids talking about growing in hells kitchen with thier solid gold silverware, and wall sized tv screens.  The difference is at least the Trump kids admit thier lucky, I admit I don't know all the new stupid gaffs ma Palin has pulled this week, something with a monkey, and daddy Todd offending his partner in celebrity and stripes, but Bristoll close your mouth when tosh from tosh.0 makes more sense your in trouble.  Poor willow, I thought you might be the only normal one but now I don't know, right when I feel bad for you, damn if your mouth doesn't open, please oh please gods of television no more palins and no more Hans family I think America is done with both.  If not my opinion of America is really misplaced.  Bristol goto school, get an education, then try to get a thought, even a clue might get you on the right road, I don't believe your a total ditz, please  prove me and the rest of your species right.

Genetically modified people, old news

http://humansarefree.com/2012/08/dozens-of-genetically-modified-babies.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%253A+HumansAreFree+%2528Humans+Are+Free%2529

This is old news, but I wanted to offer a link I happened to come across which had some more detailed information.  It seems amazing to me that there are people out there who are not naturally evolved.  What could the long term consequences be?  I hope you find this article as interesting as I did.  Many people never knew this happened, much less that thier kids could be going to school with children who are not natural.  What will this mean in the coming years?  When genetic alteration becomes more and more normal, will their be a stigma against "unnatural" children?  Will they have the same rights or will any of us have rights by that point?  What if thier better than the rest of us?  Faster, stronger, smarter?  Will we one day face agian the specter of eugenic wars?  I don't know, but I wish I could say as I race we've become wiser, focused on unity, and the mind over the immaterial flesh, but sadly this is not the case.  I can only hope that our fear of the unknown is less than our curiosity of the true nature of reality, because if fear wins, the world and humanity will loose.  For all these ignorant white, old boys club men who've realized they can't take it with them, would rather see our world returned to the good old days where woman and minorities knew there place, and members of the LGBT community hid, or died.  What world do we want for our children and grand children?  What will history say about us?  Will they see us as the silent majority to afraid or to busy to speak out which aloud tyranny to raise its head?

Twisted mirror

Sinner pain and sacrifice.
Can I trust u with My fate Or in the twisted tragedy must I still pay the price Of unending useless gratitude to those who refuse to accept my change?

Conversion from something dark and ill into something more than festering hate. Seeker now of the path of truth Always looking to reconcile with the paradox of my past disgrace.

Only now can I bear to find this lie they call piece of mind. Maybe this struggle will only end when I've died a martyrs death.

Can forgiveness be found even then?

Will they speak of all my sins, the pain I caused in the larval stage or will they finely see the monster in The mirror was never me?

Made to feel all they suffered Was my responsibility?

Sarcasm "to cut flesh"

There are alot of people in this world who behave in an incredibly nasty fashion. I've come to notice it tends to be people from the east coast of the US but not always.

The use this means of communication they call sarcasm, which according to them is just a sense of humor. I think they missed the actual definition of the word.

Sarcasm is used as a means of establishing station. Showing clearly rank and power in social situations. In this way these people can illustrate thier education and wit. Thier superiority clearly, without subtly but if you call them on it, well it was just a joke.

So I ask you to look up the definition of the word, and especially pay heed to it's origins.

To cut flesh.

Remember that next time someone uses sarcasm to remind you of your place, they seek to rend your flesh the only way they can.

Meeting new people

   Surprisingly you might find this an amazing place to meet people of like minds.  People are sitting around reading, drinking coffee, which gives you a huge view into thier likes and dislikes.  Go up and ask them about the book, and the author, use it as a ice breaker.  Discuss what you like to read, hopefully this will open the door to books you've both read, or movies, tvshows, whatever.  Point being the ice is broken and dialogue has begun. Now learn about each other, communicate, then swap info, get together to watch a movie your friends don't want to see with you.  It really is a great opportunity to make new friends with likes similer  your own.  Who said book stores are dead?  I love my kindle to read books, I love my bookstore to meet new people.

Guest bloggers Any Takers?

I'll be putting out a post on FB, twitter, and google so if you'd like to share your thoughts, poetry, art or whatnot please email your post and after moderation I'll post it anon or under a blog name your choice.

Acceptance, is it ever enough?

   I've spent the last ten+ years trying to make up for the evils of my life before the event which transformed my life. It hasn't been easy, I didn't expect it to be, many don't believe I've really changed, some don't want to risk it, but I try to accept the things I can't change, while changing that which I can. Since then I've gotten an incredible job, have gone back to school, where once a 2.0 was a good semester, now anything less than a 4.0 is very much failure on my part.  I've gotten letters from senators, the president.

I've been invited to speak at conventions at distinguished labs and universities based on my research papers, why does it hurt that I'm still seen as the monster I was, or the spoiled teen/tween I was?  Is it so wrong to want acceptance from your parents and siblings?  To know their proud of me?  To know my in-laws except I'm good enough for thier daughter?  It seems like no matter what I achieve it's not enough, all that matters are my past sins, not my current achievements.

You can only hear the statement that the only person who matters is yourself, or your spouse before you just start feeling more stupid.  Why is it so wrong to want to hear your family is proud of how far you've come, and what you've achieved?  You in-laws be happy you make thier daughter happy, and make the world better for her?

I understand this pain is not unusual, I guess it's fairly common.  I know my spouse is proud of everything I've achieved, and that matters, I love her.  Does that make me selfish that it all still hurts. I didn't ask to be in a car accident, I was a martial artist, I was a somebody, granted I hid my real life from everyone, even my closest friends, you don't want people to know just how much of a monster you are.  Back then I didn't care about thier acceptance, so my travels, my competitions around the world where hidden from everybody.

Most of my family still don't know how much of the world I've seen, the places I've competed, almost everything involving martial arts has been kept secret, living in stealth I've recently read.  Yes I understand living in stealth.  Only the few in that circle of my life knew the events, and circles don't mix.  Now at 42 in a few weeks I'm trying to repair my life, and live it openly and honestly.

Only the wife knows everything about all the circles, even the most monstrous.  She knows I may have a daughter, something I've never told anyone.  Idk if is true, she left me, but how can I not wonder?  Anyway having spent my life living in stealth keeping each of my circles separate,  I'm now
finding them clashing together painfully.  I waited my entire life for those words about love and pride from my biological father.

I thought at least on his death bed he'd realize what he'd missed out on being an absentee father, his constant attacks and accusations left me in angry tears my fiancé at the time was herself constantly upset by my impotent rage and pain, I had to cut him off, as my biological father lay dying I wouldn't see him.  From what the nurses said in the end he was still railing against me for stealing his money.  Just so you understand he lived with his mother until he was hospitalized in his 60's, never wrote a check, or payed a bill, or went shopping, never really gave presents, he was a hells angel biker guy, in other words waiting for his words of love and pride, I got accusations of stealing something he didn't even have.

Don't get me wrong even though we went through some terrible times my mom has always been there, though our relationship has changed today, thier are still secret circles she's unaware of, such as the extant of my word travel, and martial arts.  I always felt this was such a taboo issue I can't explain the lengths I went to keeping them secret, even today.  I dare say my family knows I have multiple black belts, trained in over ten forms, weapons, firearms.  Like I said the only person who knows everything is the wife, and honestly some of that's because she found a folder with all my certificates, since then there's no reason to keep secrets, besides I wanted her to know so nothing could come out of left field.  So she knows everything, but I've gotten totally off topic.

Will I ever get the acknowledgement I desire, or is this a lost cause?  Is acceptance from in-laws impossible?  I hope I find the answer.

Avalon Chapter Seven "back to the ship"

   Hisses and sparks shot throughout the ship.  Aery increased her clock speed to maximum, shutting down all unneeded systems, keeping only the cryonics active, and the sensors, while monitoring the ships self repair systems.  Even as an A. I. she marveled at the technology which made up her body.  The living genetic components, the nano-technology, and the synergistic components all working together seamlessly repairing and mending damaged systems, her mind moving so rapidly through fractal iterations, going over systems,  seeking solutions, analyzing the telemetry of her array of sensors.  Her biotechnological cyber organic mind capable of psionic abilities, and computing power unheard of for a ship this size, she knew many of the Y class operating systems had thier higher functioning circuitry disabled on most of the vessels her sibling systems where programmed in, even the flagship.  She did find this "distressing", a strange concept, but the captain, once holding the rank of flag officer, had many connections and somehow had acquired her.  Much of the technology of the avalon was banned in the Imperium, her cloaking systems, her holographic integration, her sensorium were based on the most advanced technologies of a thousand worlds, her captain must have many "friends".  She had noted this was important among many sentients, friends seemed to make things happen, which according to Imperium law should not.  Going through her crew records she did register they were all anomalies amongst thier people, much like herself.  Her immense computational capacities allowed her to achieve things impossible, even to systems of her make and model.  Overseeing her own systems going about thier functions, she continued to seek to wake the crew while studying thier anomalous nature. Jojo and Jandi seemed to spend a great deal of time together though they seemed to not fit her calculations.  She was beautiful, wealthy and possessing  great psionic power, while Jojo had come from an agrarian world theistically opposed to everything the core stood for. Yet always they could be found together.  Den reminded her much of herself, the first officer of the ship, coming from an edge world where eugenic modification was needed to survive, he looked very different, only the doctor had an image more strange, while the captain had chosen an occupational path most were forced to take, because there was no other, not individuals with experience and training like hers.

    Doctor Quince, having come from an oceanic planet, had been part of the great diaspora during the ceteacia wars, which nearly destroyed the systems only a teracycle back.   His race having evolved from Cephalopoda his appearance was unique amongst the crew, as was his thought process, yet she had seen his ability to rebuild organics on many occasions.  Having been the recipient of his many appendages herself when her organics had become dysfunctional at a point, she needed to wake him first to safely wake the rest of the crew, yet protocol said wake Jojo first as the head engineer. 

   Observing as her hull, her skin repaired itself, the Star-shine drive, her thermophotovoltaic ablative armor even now generating power, being stored in her ancillary synergistic systems, her particle collider drive powering her main drives, containing the black hole at her core, her faster than light drives, her powerful pulsed shock drive, enable her to create worm holes and jump gate travel, all useless.  Her sensors telling her that even if she could deactivate the cryonics, they would still sleep, her psionic ability connecting her mind to mind with the captain was clearly beyond her reach, as crewman Jandi too was beyond her ability to contact, though she knew she was well within range.  She dared not touch the ship or scan it, if they became aware she operated, they may destroy her, she did not desire to cease functioning, but more so her crew, yes her crew was in danger, she could not allow harm to herself, a dangerous recursive loop kept appearing in her logic strings, what if she found a way to jump away, what of officer Jandi, but the lives in her care must take precedence.  Yet she could not leave another sentient, an unfamiliar term injected itself into her evolving circuits, her friend, behind?  She discarded the loop as irrelevant now, saving it for future analysis, she must acquire control of herself, without acquiring notice of the alien craft, it's unfamiliar design, it's enormous power readings, and telepresence made her.....fearful?   

Exile Chapter 2 part 1

CHAPTER TWO

The strangeness of the air, the feel of the earth, I was an interloper here, having played many parts, the assassin, the whore, the prince, and the pauper. Yet this ward was mine, and I had not come home the prodigal son, expecting to find a welcoming feast, nor chastisement, my death being an even more distinct possibility. I had fled this world never to return, choosing exile millennia ago, and only now returning because of that one voice that cried out across the realms, like a perfume from a first love, never forgotten nor ignored. My twin-sister whose minds private voice I was more familiar with than even my own, before our lungs had taken their first breath.

Snapping back to an unpleasant reality her minds soul screamed and cried out in diminishing waves of pain, at first thinking it was a clever ruse devised to trick me back into a sphere where my control and allies were few, yet her life was measured at this instant in moments and I must

find her now, or never. Let the hunter come, he would find more than he expected if he returned here. Moving through what was once the Opalescent, city of dreams, with its beautiful curving towers rising beyond the scintillating clouds. Crystal chapels of prismatic light, labyrinths of mirrors one could get lost for days in, flowing living waters, dancing to the music of minds and feelings, gardens of exotic plants and flowers collected from across countless worlds as far as the mind’s eye could see, living vines growing and molded by our art to change their shape and color completely rebuilding their nature to the point where they could almost form ever changing images of living wonder, having become nearly sentient themselves. All was rubble now, a charnel pit filled with an ever-present stench of death and decay.

What had happened here? What could have brought low so many Noble houses? A world so well protected with armadas floating both in space and sea, militias and allies, dragon armies, and treaties with nations, and worlds? Much less agreements’ with other less tangible things, as the elementals having served us since time began, the beast lords aided us when they chose, but we were favored, even by the Lords and Lady of Chaos, we commanded countless guards and wards, as well as darker, meaner powers, these things of the mysterium are much more ephemeral, still without my hearing a single word, nor whisper, not a even a ripple in the fount of my travels did I here of the desecrations of my world.

I must hurry, for each second her touch becomes more tenuous, in moments it would be gone. Around the corner, ahead was the plaza built around a beautiful fountain fashioned of rare crystal which glowed and gloried mimicking the light of day. Changing the color of the water as the days light changed and at night the water would move and dance, its colors and movements coming from the thought and feelings of the people walking in the plaza. My sister and I snuck out of the house, a severely punishable crime, death for me endangering one of the daughters of the blood, yet we had come out often in our naive youth lost in more halcyon times not realizing our jeopardy, though the fantasy of the danger making it all the more exciting. Almost as dangerous as our secret journeys to the dragon caves where she would climb up into a hollow in there wings and doze among the bejeweled scales and powerful muscles.

I found the plaza filled with a dense scintillating fog at the end of my journey. Do I dare enter it? Once again it could be an incredibly crafty and clever trap, one I might try myself in the future if needed, but in that moment of moments time stood still forever stretching out in front and behind me I realized I have many options but only one choice, she was my sister, my twin! I never had any decision at all, exerting a small fraction of my own formidable power, still weakened severely by my rapid transport across the cosmos back to my mother’s world; a wave of my own kinesthetic power began to shower the prism, an energy that is almost like a fingerprint. Only one being to my knowledge has learned the mastery of altering this energy to the frequency of another, and I do not fear him, for it is me. A pinprick of color flows out like dust bonding and blending with the others, until the blues and the purples swirled and eddied forming a circular hole leading into the plaza. A slight grin lifted the corners of my mouth.

My heart has healed, for now.

My wife felt well enough to go to work, so I hope she makes it, I'm worried if she doesn't take it easy she might get worse agian, I sorta wish if she had to be sick it could have happened in a week or two when she's on vacation, then she wouldn't be stressing about work.  Hopefully she'll be better by then, we're planning on seeing les mis, because of my disability were getting seats in the disabled section, I'm hoping thier good, because the is another in-law thing commuting for an hour one-way, dinner, then the show.  I can't say thier isn't some dread, nothing ever goes right, but here hoping to a first.

Either way I'm sure you'll hear about it, so until then I just hope we both stay on the mend

Satellite providers! Am I evil?

I'm really struggling, recently going through the issues with viacomm, I'm torn between being understanding, I do.  Yet a dark part of me, the troll I guess wants to get on thier sites and tell them to switch to direct tv, my living dead, ie the missing channels are working just fine.  Then thier's another part of me that's just, huh, karma gets you every time.

There were the large group of supporters but intermixed were the jerks, trying to use the taking of channels as a means to get new customers.  One company I won't name, a local cable supplier advertised get your channels back immediatly, switch to them.  Sadly they like u-verse are not even avalible in the regions they were advertising in.

 Now I'm torn, should I choose solidarity having been through a far worse situation loosing 17 major channels, like nick while a kids where out of school, causing much grief and anguish.  Well I guess me being me I'll choose solidarity, but it reminds me we all have inner trolls, we can rationalize, I choose not to act that way, thanks for listening.

Thank you google

You have answered my prayers, by adding all these new tools I can now make this blog more like my readers want.. Hopefully no more walls of words, I may start going back and correcting some of the old posts with all of these new incredible tools.  Thank you! You guys have answered my prayers.

Education system its a new century

How often do we continue using the technology hundreds of years old? Do we continue living life as if we lived in the industrial age? Yet we continue to use an education paradigm which is horribly out of date, and tragically ill-equipped for the information age. Standing on the cusp of the next technological era, how Ill-prepared we are for the future, much less the world we live in now. We need to learn better adaptability to the rapid changes, and learn to change and make modern that which is failing our children. We can't flee into the dark ages, that's a reactionary response to fear of the unknown.

It's time to change and move forward upwards and outwards as well as inwards, just my thoughts.

1 soda a day = 15lbs

Just drinking one soda a day will add 15 pounds to your waistlines every year, minimum.

So drink diet right? No. One, diet sodas have in them a chemical which was originally used as a medication for constipation, ergo the usage of diet soda causes diarrhea and other GI issues. Two, this drug is used as a super taster, if diet or sugar free foods are nauseously bitter your a super taster. Off topic but squirt some blue food coloring onto your tongue, if it sticks and colors your taste buds your a super taster. There are also few tests of these substitutes over long term usage. Rogaine the hair loss medication was originally a blood pressure topical medication, people using this over the counter medication are not told use of these products can cause massive drops or rise in blood pressure which can send you into a coma or cause embolisms leading to heart attack or stroke. Just some thoughts on why we need more transparency in every field.

Sorry for my continuing absence

My wonderful other half has been sick, she has a tendency for tonsil abbesses , so I've been taking care of her, I have a dozen posts I'm looking forward to finishing, I'll get them up as soon as possible, with everything going on and having been invited to ANL in Illinois there's just a lot going on. The health of my other half comes first so I need to be here for her, especially as I might have been the one who got her sick, guess its possible I might have had the nasty flu going around instead of food poisoning.

I will be posting all the drafts, I promise, real life just comes first, and there's been a lot going on, in business housing, family and friends lives. I've gotten permission to continue the blog project into the fall session, and I might add it to a research feature of my thesis, so thanks again, I'll be catching you up on everything as soon as life slows down enough. Thanks for your patience.

Guest Bloggers

I read recently about guest posters, I really like this idea, if your a reader here and would like to share your thoughts, poetry, stories, art. Anything at all please contact me, I have a few people in mind I'd like to hear from. I'm
sure what you have to say would be enjoyed. You can post anon or under a post name, I'd just rather you didn't use your real name.

So guest posters out there email me your post and I'll post it up for you to share for a nominal posting fee, lol, j/l but really give it some thought, I'm looking forward to hear from you.

Insurance, employer or church

Who gets to decide? When did the doctor who went to school for. Exactly this, stop being able to decide what your medical needs were? It seems to me the last person who should be deciding what treatments you need it should be your insurance or your employer or your church. The treatment you need should be based upon your decisions made with the input of your doctor or doctors. I don't want to pick on members of religious groups to make that choice to use birth control that's a personal choice but when you behave like a hypocrite and you are using those birth control tools and stating it's for a different reason then what's the difference between that and saying I'm using medical marijuana for pain and you saying that I'm just a pothead? ( I'm not actually a pothead nor do I smoke pot), I'm pro legalizing it, but honestly I take enough meds without adding issues.

For that matter what if pot, was better for me, managed my pain, stopped my muscle spasms, and was not nearly as addictive or had the side effects of the other medications I'm taking? Why would it be wrong? It seems to me like it would be the healthiest option? And I live in the state of California where we have passed; in fact we were the first state to pass the medical marijuana act and yet the federal government seems to believe that they have the right to decide on this issue that they're the ones to get to make the decision. I'm really curious as to how about that works so please look at my post on the Fed versus the state because I will be talking about that shortly. Anyway wonks story short my question remains do I want my insurance company my employer on my church deciding what medical treatments I need or are allowed when that really should be a question only answerable by myself and my doctor and the laws of the land. What yeah we had somebody become the president who is a member of the Church of science who believed that sickness was a judgment by God and banned all medical assistance how would we react to that question. I mean you have to ask that.

Anyway just some quick thoughts some questions maybe something to think about and we can talk about it later tomorrow when I have a chance to really get into this subject on my next post thanks be well I hope you're enjoying reading all of this

My sincerest apologies

Yesterday I was on the phone with my mother, who hopefully won't mind if I comment. Over the years we've had our struggles, and were estranged for quite a few years because of my issues.

It's taken a lot of change and growing on my part, but I'm glad to say I can talk to her for hours and not realize how much time has passed. That would not have happened a decade ago.

Today my other half was off, and I sole to my nana(that's grandmother to y'all), today, she's nearing her 90's, (her words), so I do apologize for failing to post, I do have four posts ready to be typed.

Thinking about polygamy, state versus federal laws, and a few other things I'll type up tommorow to share, until then be well and I look forward to sharing my thoughts, stories, and art with you.

Polyamoury vs Poligamy

In this world of polarization I find myself asking if same-sex marriage is ok, what's the problem with Polygamy? It seems that if two or more adults can choose to live and love together, commonly referred to as polyamory. If cheating on your spouse is legal and open relationships are ok, in fact I recently read about objectemphilia or something with people who are in love with cars, buildings, even the Berlin wall.

How can we the people allow something to be legalized and validated while others remain stigmatized. If your dealing with adults who are making informed decisions which don't harm anyone else why do we get a say what they do in thier own homes? I wouldn't want to be judged on what I think, say, and do in my own home, I'm sorta human. Should I be judged on what books I read, movies I watch, or music I listen to? I hope not, those are choices.

I've said before if your familiar with that show sister wives where a member of the FDLS church took his family of four wives and nearly twenty children on TLC. They wanted to show polygamy in it's truth not that image many of us have of forced marriages to twelve year old girls.

Towards the end of season one they flee Utah because of their fear of prosecution. Instead of taking it to court and fighting for what is their religious belief and practice they fled to Los Vegas instead of standing up for thier beliefs.

Granted I don't have kids to worry about being taken away yet. (though I do live in a world where I'm afraid to change my kids because I believe my in-laws would use anything to get me put in prison, right or wrong), maybe I'd run to if I had to risk loosing my children, in which case I wouldn't have done the show in the first place.

Even if that show is based on the narcissism, ego, vanity and out of control arrogance, where in any person
with the smallest psych training can see he controls every aspect of that family, regardless if the impression they are seeking to portray. It doesn't change the fact that if multiple adults, same sex couples deserve to get married. Why can I get married now? What would change if she was a man? We tell our kids it's not what's on the outside until they come home with someone you don't agree with. I'm hoping I got my point across, if it's what's on the inside who cares what's hanging between the persons legs. One day each of us may be surprised when we fall in love for the first time, and shocker they have the same gear you do.

What if thier married, put thier honest and you find you love thier spouse too? Fine, just fine as long as you don't want to formalize that relationship, love is illegal.

When did anyone get to make love, or who you spend your life with legal or not? Who decided the church or the government gets to decide such a personal choice! These decisions should remain between myself, my life partners, and my god, whatever form that godhead takes.

Thanks for listening, I'm off the soapbox for a moment.

Legalize marijuana

It's time to take the cuffs off of Mary Jane, it was made illegal for racist and monopolist reasons.

As long as alcohol and tobacco is legal and taxable there is no reason usable to enforce any ban, and the stigma is even more ludicrous. We don't stigmatize alcoholics, we call them. Connoisseurs.

Really you can't overdose on it, most doctors will tell you they deal with more health issues from the other two drugs. This statement that it's addictive is childish, guess the other two have neither addictive potential or withdrawal.

Yes, withdrawal.... Pot withdrawal has never killed anyone, one out of ten alchoholics die during treatment.

How about the fed saying its up to the state to decide, up until we decide wrong? Then they want to threaten all manner of nastiness until we agree with them. So who is deciding again?

The fed just doesn't want to look like the bad guy saying no, so they pretend to leave it to the state like all the touchy subjects. Then come down like a hammer when we the PEOPLE vote our choice.

Clearly they don't care about what we think so what would happen if people started acting like the fed or big corparations and just did what we wanted? Oh yeah prison!

Where are the founding fathers when you need them, maybe Guy Fawkes will help us.

More on Reality TV

This week has been crazy, you have a guy go nuts on big brother, and try to head smash another houseguest. After he's kicked out of the house, only days later he was arrested for DUI. His brother another reality star from the TV show survivor is arrested for spousal abuse. Two other big brother previous houseguests are arrested for running a prescription drug ring. It's a bit like winning the lottery, you suddenly have this fame/notoriety but you don't know how to use it for anything positive. You're the same person you were before you won all the money, or you're the same person you were before you went into the house or the island, but suddenly everybody knows you. It's not like you're a movie star where you've grown into the thing and know how to handle it.

Okay, maybe not everybody knows how to handle it we've seen more than a few celebrities go down the dark side but what makes you think just because you were on television and you got your 15 minutes of fame you now have this power to get away with doing whatever you want? Worse yet did you believe that you could do anything you wanted before that and now you just have this shield of fame to act within?

Maybe it's not a shield of fame, maybe it's a spotlight of observation that now can out all of your mistakes and misdeeds and none of us would look good under that degree of light. I don't know personally, but to me it seems like that woman who fought legally to get into that military Academy representing all women everywhere only to drop out as soon as things got tough. Do I think it was an easy experience for her? Hell no I think it was terrible, I think it was a horrible experience being the first woman into a military all-male academy, I'm sure most of the guys were absolute gentlemen?

But she made that choice to stand up and represent women everywhere, she should have thought long hard and deeply about the consequences of doing what she was about to do and then one way or another she needed to dig deep and find the strength and prove that women are equal to men and could do anything we can.

So I guess in my opinion you reality TV stars, all of you people who are out there wanting your moment in the sun, don't complain and whine when it turns out that the paparazzi are out for you or people are taking your comments and actually listening to them and making fun of them when they're ridiculous, you went looking for this.

And if you're on a reality TV show and you leave or win and come out of it and act like a jackass don't be surprised when people point out your stupidities, you asked for the situation and you can't be shocked when it turns around and bites you on the backside.

Anyway those are just my thoughts and I'll leave you with them thanks for your time and your patience and listening

Avalon overview

Had a writer friend check out the Avalon story, and got some great advice, so hopefully you'll see some positive changes to improve it.

I don't know if I've mentioned this but I apologize for the lack of paragraphs, I'll try to use line breaks to make it easier to read, but the font, and other things are done using HTML which I don't know.

Anyway hope your enjoying the story so far, I've enjoyed writing it, and look forward to sharing some of the other stories I'm working on.

I'm currently working on editing exile for the blog platform but it's very different.

If this goes well I may introduce my baby, a story I've been working on for the last few years, lol, I'm very jealous of it but if the other stories seem to be being enjoyed I may write it here.

If you'd rather see more journal posts, or things I'm thinking about or looking into for school and work please let me know, this blog really is for your entertainment.

Boot camp chapter 1

The stink was something awful and would cling to my nostrils for days after we got out of this bloody swamp. My feet were wet, but the stars shone in the skies above us reminding us that there was a world out there, somewhere, even if we couldn't get to it, still existed. We moved forward through the swamp trying to keep track of each other in the darkness

Brendan, our company leader, had the compass so we followed him whether we like it or not, whether he knew where we were going or not. Suddenly a call came down the ranks, it's time to bivouac so we pulled out our tents and started making camp.
Now don't take me wrong this is not camp like you might think it is, we were all sitting here because we're what the court calls incorrigible. Most of us here were sent to this survival camp, to learn discipline and be obedient and respect our authority figures. Authority figures, like they deserve our respect.

Most of us had made some mistakes, breaking and entering, fights, drugs, but nothing really major some of us had gang affiliations, some of us just had bad relationships with our parents. This was their solution. Send us out in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of jar headed baboons barking orders in there jackboots. Yeah, if we didn't have a problem with authority before we certainly have one now don't we? We have learned a lot out here though we've learn to count on each other, we've learned that even if we can't trust the adults in the world we can trust each other, we have each others backs no matter what color we are or what religion we practiced. All of that was secondary. You know one day Pitz came up with this really great idea. What if we took what we've learned out of here and brought it back with us? We just bring it back in a but if a way, differently than they expect? You see in many ways they have succeeded, they have taught us discipline, they've taught us to be brothers, they've taught us to trust in each other at least but they failed in some very important areas.

They've proven that we can't trust those in authority. We need to question everything about our lives. You see Pitz was one of those people who had gang connections, grew up in Hells kitchen where everything was blood in, blood out. He figured what if we took what we've learned back out to the street? What if we taught our brothers and sisters in poverty the unity we've learned out here in this stinking miserable swamp? We can actually turn our world around and make it something where we are all equal, we're even with everybody else. What greater sacrifice, what greater price can be paid for that? So that became our enduring plan, the idea of freedom, the idea that in poverty equality is all we've got, those egg heads in the books basically said the same thing and thier heroes man, our founding fathers, and if that came at the point of a gun well wouldn't be the first time, and let's face it the gangs are better armed than the police ever could be and with this military training and discipline we would be unstoppable. There would be no force on this planet that could equal us and were ready to make those sacrifices. We've faced death, seen our friends die. Are you? Have you?

Exile prologue

This archival write-up on object A.E.51, item labeled 075 lab 26 Site N, defines the history of this crystal found at archaeological site AE51, believed to be an alien crash site.

Its inquiry has been handled by geology specialists, analysts, mineralogy, mechanics, engineers, of every sort, even a futurist, as well as several other compartmental departments, see Archive Beta For the complete list.

During a laser infraction test by one of the geologists, a “visitor” friend with I.C.E. level clearances, possessing a linguistic aptitude pointed out an anomaly. Imprinted within the crystal were layers of dots, which when assembled correctly would form the base of a language. The problem he said would be to find the key-stone, or means of activating the device.

After many futile tests the crystal sat useless upon a shelf in a secured storage center for several years, until a young Xeno-linguistic astrophysics student somehow through the freedom of information act discovered its existence. After several months of study he made an intuitive leap that would change the course of our races destiny.

Somehow he matched up the three points of Orion, Arcturus-anteres, and the Sirius star systems as the key points where the light sources aimed from those singular key point would create some image, of what he later confessed did not know, nor do I think he cared.

This being the kind of thinking that makes scientists dangerous in general. In a meeting he revealed his discovery. Setting the crystal on a central dais, while activating a red laser placed at the galactic point of Orion, suddenly the room was covered with prismatic dots, he then placed another red laser in the A./A. spatial point, and when activated created another barrage of dots, though not nearly so shimmering. He placed the last red laser in its point in the spatial loci of Sirius, the Dog Star, and more dots did appear, but it was now almost all blacked out.

“As you can see sirs, the lasers are the trick, it took me a while to understand the configuration”, Laughing to himself, “but it hit me eventually. We are just learning about lasers, but what might this speci have known?” “So I tracked down a blue laser, and placed it in the A.A. Loci, and surprisingly this happened”.

Switching out the red laser and replacing it with the blue was amazing indeed. It was stunning, the dim dots began to merge and morph into something else, brightening, becoming something beautiful yet incomplete.
The specialist continued “as you can see we were getting closer to the solution to the equation”, removing the last red laser and installing a new cutting edge top of the line green laser, “I ‘borrowed’ from the military, and.. 'places people the show is about to begin'”, he chuckled.

The room was absolutely silent as he switched on the green laser, for there before our very eyes shown like some kind of intricate scintillating hologram,
strange shapes and letters, words, morphing in color and texture, layers deep. Truly beautiful and terrible to behold but our young doctor had succeeded in discovering the hidden language deep within the crystal.

He has since made it his mission in life to translate this body of work, whatever it might contain. We have yet to discover if he will uncover the means of operating this device, much less will be able to complete the actual translations. It is unknown at this time if it is a danger to our planet or something as simple as an innocent journal. All translations will continue to be sent on to you at the TOWER for investigation and analysis. When or if it becomes necessary, the translators can disappear at any time.

For now we wait, and prepare for any eventuality as you have directed. This is what has been translated so far. We seem to receive three to five pages a week depending on the complexity of the script, and the capability of the
operator.

There seems to be a component that makes it impossible for some individuals to use the device, nor see anything of meaning in the language, which when functioning at its highest level seems to implant images and feelings, almost complete memories into the operators minds, giving them the impression they had truly been there and experienced the region of text they were exploring.
We have, through extensive testing discerned there is a genetic anomaly within those with the deepest level of control. We feel that we must at once begin testing as many people as possible as widely as possible, and those that have the capacity for top secret clearances re-assigned to this project, those not capable of maintaining clearances should be watched closely. We just do not know what that X factor might mean.

Possibly we should even “draft” those individuals not capable of passing the screenings, and put them to work anyway, just to see the alternate version they may arrive at. The waste of such knowledge as might be gained especially when we have absolute control over where and when they go makes them perfect test subjects to see what the hologram does to different personality types. As per A.E.51 op420 regulations our translators are both working together at all times, they have been armed and “have been warned of their partners oncoming insanity having worked so closely with what could be alien technology” Thus the program itself is in no jeopardy on any front.

Synergistic dating places the age of this crystal as pre-dating the earth or mars. In fact we have found no means of reliably dating it at all.

Being sick, and life

My apologies for my brief posts of late, as you may know I was recently knocked down to my socks.

A few years ago I had swine flu, I wanted to die, a year or two later my gall bladder exploded, I wished I'd die, my fiancé at the time thought I had, this felt so much worse, I'm still recovering, but as I'm beginning to feel better, a little, I'll try to be more on the ball.

I am very much upset that my stats which I try to share don't give me all the information anymore, so some of the countries I was so proud of are now off my stats. Apparently they only give you the top ten, and if it's a tie I guess they use the most recent. Thanks Iceland for visiting hope we see you back.

Please feel free to comment or email me, any input helps me shape the blog better to what you enjoy reading, agian my apologies for misspellings and grammar I am effectively blind so I have to use talk-back if it sounds right I go with it.
Spellcheck is also a pain, I turn it off but it switches on every night when I backup my iPad.
Dragon works best but I can't always see what it's typing so again I rely on the text-to-speech feature until my wife has a chance to proof read things, and she's been busy with work. Thank you again for your patience.

Serenity the movie based on firefly

Here's my problem, and it comes home powerfully as I watch this movie, about hype and new series, lost never answers questions, Alcatraz gets canceled, primeval gets canceled and brought back, heroes and fringe Are to smart so I qute watching expecting them to be canceled, I expected lost to get zapped too for that matter, yet earth 2, and threshold get canceled, now alphas is back, and revolutions looks like a bad blend of the hunger games and the divergent books complete with broken down ferris wheel, if she climbs this I'm going to be ticked, that's a scene out of divergent. Maybe this is two posts I'm mushing together, but here's my problem you get invested after months of hype, only to have a series canceled, I believe every show should be contracted when or ifits canceled to do a made for tv movie to tie up loose ends. I for one would feel a lot safer investing myself in something if I know it's going to have a conclusion.

My Art and how I do it.

It's hard to explain light sculpture, but that's what I do. I take random images and push, mold, and shape pixels, so for those who enjoy my art thank you but it's not like I feel like it takes much skill, it really is just pushing pixels around.
Seeing something inside the entropy, and using filters, and settings to pull something out of the chaos.
It's a fun hobby when I'm bored but writing is by far harder, and real artists who can draw, creating amazing visuals, and artistic anatomy, I wish I had the skill, a mentor once said I use words as colors, and create my own art. Like my MIDI, I'll leave it to the guys who know what thier doing, I'm just playing.

A Knight out on the town

You've been waiting for this moment for a long time, you load the kids into the car, you drive to the movie theater, you get your tickets find your seat, sitdown watch previews and you're preparing to enjoy the final installment of a trilogy, when suddenly teargas and bullet fire starts to ring through the theater? This is just sick to me, such a tragedy. I think of the soldier who chooses to serve his country and ends up being gunned down in a movie theater. Or a family going to watch a movie and nearly everyone ends up being killed including their young daughter. How can this be the world we live in? I really don't know what to say about this. I don't understand it. I keep waiting, asking myself when are they going to tell us why this man did this? Why did somebody let him in through the emergency exit? Then I realized they might not. There might not be an answer to this question. We just live in that kind of world where people are stabbed when they go to a horror movie because somebody wants to become famous. I'm sure part of the problem here is sickness, but I can't help wondering how much of the problem here is that desire for fame or at least notoriety?

To think that if this guy doesn't get the death penalty he's going to get free medical care, three meals a day, a roof over his head for the rest of his life. Things I have no guarantee of ever having. What does that tell people? I think I'm going to stop and leave it there because I'm just truly uncomfortable even discussing this. The death of so many over so little on such a narcissistic media bothers me deeply and as much as it bothers me to hear these television talking heads debate over these tragic events I just don't want to find myself becoming one of them so I'm going to leave you on that note and hopefully in the days ahead will be able to find some answer that will never make up for what happened but at least explain what was going on in this man's head when he set about on the events of that night.

My prayers go out to their families, I can only hope that they can ever get over this and someday see some form of justice come out of thier loss. With this last note love the people around you, tell them, and show them, don't assume they know already, they don't. Most likely your son or daughter, grandchildren, are wondering if they've made you proud, if they're good enough, done enough. When the end can come so quickly don't live in the past or a world of assumptions, let something good come out of this horror, pull your friends and family close, and never let go, then when the names have changed and the story becomes your own you can know they knew, and hopefully find some consolation in that knowledge.

Reality TV

Over-all we've had quite a few years of reality TV going back to MTV's real world probably even going further back than that, and now we live in a world where television is predominately reality television, no trained actors, no story line, no story arc. So what are we watching it for. I think most of us are watching it waiting for the train wreck which inevitably is going to happen at some point. When that person pulls a knife and stabs somebody or some other version of complete and total insanity occurs. Have we had enough years of this reality TV to decide whether it's overall a positive or negative influence, or even something we really want to watch.

With Snooky and the Cardassians(this is what spell check put in and I figure I'm going to leave it I think you all know who I'm talking about and this word seems to fit them just as well as their real name), and the now the Palins and I could go on and on and on repeating more names and more shows based on a thousand other atrocities but is it something we really want to watch ourselves or our children to watch? What are the shows really bringing to the table?

I ask this because recently being sick I've had the opportunity to watch some of the new season of big brother. Now not only do they have big brother on television several nights a week on the regular network, not only do they have the live feeds that you can pay for 24/seven but they also have a three hour slot on Showtime every night that is completely unedited. Now on the network version it's pretty tame they cut out a lot of the troubling stuff. Yet the showtime version being unedited leaves in some pretty morally reprehensible conversation that doesn't really make anybody in the house very likable, if what little I've seen in that three hour slot is part of what goes on when they forget people are watching during the live feeds I'm not sure I'd like any of these people very much. You see they announced to the houseguests when Showtime is about to start and when it's about to end so during that three hours they are fully aware that they are being watched by the Showtime viewers. So they try very hard to be on their best behavior and only say things that won't attract any negative attention. Yet still sometimes some very very nasty things sneak into the conversation.

I know where in the time of recession and nobody has a lot of money but I don't think Hollywood is really hurting for financing and yet they're still choosing this reality format over putting up something that is really a good product and to me it seems like we really should be making a stand in saying we want more, we expect more. We pay a lot of money for satellites, cable, whatever media you happen to get your television in. I've said it in prior posts why is it that the good shows that maybe cost a little more never make it past their first season, or get dumbed down so that they can make it there full length? I'm really tired of seeing some great shows go off the air regardless of the outcry of the people and the fans of those shows without any comment from the people making it. While they slap up another garbage reality show to take its place. Anyway just my thoughts on something that's really not that important with everything else that's going on in the world.

Cosmetic surgery and moral choices

Are you morally obligated to divulge to your significant other that you've had cosmetic surgery. It seems to me that if you gotten into a relationship with somebody and are planning on having children with them it might seem justifiable that you mention that you had cosmetic surgery.

What if you had facial alterations or a chin implant to alter your features and you don't mention it and your children are born with the same feature that you changed, you'd imagine your spouse is going to wonder where this feature came from. At what point does disclosing your personal choice to have cosmetic surgery become the subject of your partner?

Obviously morality and the social contract are of great interest to me. I can't help wondering what, why, where, and how were these decisions made and based on what premises? Morality seems at least in some senses such an open discourse. Predominantly cultural and traditional. The fact that we live in an age where technology is making so many questions of moral implications such a great arena of discussion it becomes an even more relevant avenue of discussion and decisions.

Do governments have the right to monitor our digital communications in their attempts to slow crime or stop terrorism? Is privacy something guaranteed by the Constitution. Do corporations have the right to use us as a commodity because we're using a free service their supply?

Should surgeons do cosmetic surgeries that are unnecessary simply because a person is seeking to create a certain bodily image? Even if while seeking to create that image becomes potentially deadly to the person being operated on? I'm not sure if this question is even appropriate being asked by a man, but what if a woman chooses to have a breast augmentation, and then has a daughter who grows up seeing her mother with large voluptuous breasts and doesn't understand why she doesn't have those same anatomical features. To my knowledge no studies it ever been done on this but from what I have studied about children growing up observing their parents it seems to me it could only be damaging to their own self-image. Just a few thoughts from the Darkside.

Smoking chiefs

My love enjoys almost any cooking competition reality show, so we watch most of the biggies. She lives the top chief series, hells kitchen, you name it.

What confuses me is the smoking. I don't mean a cooking style either. Don't these people understand smoking destroys your palette and kills off your taste buds. So many of them are taking smoke breaks, right before they have a palette challenge.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have an issue with smokers, it's your choice but when it effects your livelihood shouldn't you choose what's going to make you better at your job? This is something I don't understand, does it make any sense or taking pride in my ability to taste I can't imagine doing anything to screw that up, anymore than I'd choose to do something that knowingly screwed up any of my other senses.

Still sick, hope this ends soon

Sorry fellow readers I hope the line breaks make it easier to read, hope you enjoy this last chapter it was the hardest to write yet, but I enjoyed it a lot I hope you take something interesting from it, I had a lot of difficulties writing from the perspective of intertwined thought. Hope to feel better soon, I'll be correcting and reediting a lot of old posts for greater clarity, with my double vision sometimes what I see isn't what's there thanks for your patience, for the record I'm staying clear of Big Brother (series) though I may do a general post on shows like it, until then

Friending in-laws on FB

Oh, how the complexities grow, if I refuse then my wife catches the short end of the stick having to answer why, if I do....

Which of course I did....

Who catches the pointed end agian? The wife of course, so what's the right answer or is there even a right answer to arrive at.

I know most of you are not familiar with the on-going drama with the in-laws unless your a careful reader.

Now I have to consider the ramifications of what I post, and what they post. Based on my honesty policy here I would be disingenuous if I wasn't open about these issues so expect a post on my thoughts on this, needless to say some deep though is needed. I can't help wondering if this was a good idea, sometimes it's better to keep parts of your life separated.

Well see how it turns out.