Birthdays, I hate them.

Birthdays, I can't believe I'm the only one who has a love/hate relationship with them.  Growing up birthdays kind of had a hipocracy element to them, I won't go into specifics, but even then thier was the ignore reality and put on a happy face, now as an adult your staring down the twin barrels of age and mortality, thinking about those gone, or could be gone soon, wounds you've left behind because your young, stupid and selfish.  So guilt struggles against the good memories which always seem tainted by someone eventually being hurt, you end up trapped between dread for the inevitability of the future, the mistakes you've made, where you wanted to be now, and what's up the road around the corner for those coming after you.
   How can you promise to be there for those that matter when it's inevitable you can't nor wont. I love my niece, my siblings, friends, and family but there's a wall that seems unmovable and unshakable.  So once agian that birthday where you go over that moral inventory of your life, where you have been, where your at, and where and what you want to achieve with the ever shrinking time you have left. Alone in this inventory how can you avoid that same hipocracy from childhood, put on a happy face everything is wonderfully moving forward, your selfish if you think otherwise, your alive, have a home and food when others are lacking the basic needs in life.
   I find birthdays and Christmas for that matter a huge struggle, thanksgiving too.  Maybe it's true, maybe it is selfish when I'm typing this in a top of the line iPad, we have a beautiful mustang, iPhones, wifi, blurays, DVR's and all the rest while others fight for life, yet I still struggle.  Acceptance from family, pride from my father and siblings, heck conversations with my siblings would be nice, but that's the past, something's cant be fixed, while the moments of life countdown I'm still left with out the knowledge or ability as to how to fix what's gone before, I'm not sure I know how to avoid making the same mistakes, and how do you get where you want to be, or protect those in your care without making whole new mistakes, I just hate this yearly trap of self evaluation where you can never live up to your own expectations.
   Missing those who've passed on who've meant a lot to you, or those you never had a chance to mend things with, trying to get the most with others who may not be with you much longer.  Trying to figure out how to do the best you can for those still with you, while fixing things with those you've hurt.  Maybe it is selfish, I don't see myself starting to love my birthday anyway, but I've said this is a place for honesty, so here it is, on my birthday I'd rather be alone if I can't be with someone who understands how much this is not a celebration but a day of mourning, there are so many whove gone ahead, and so many relationships I can't fix, so much in my past I don't even know.

   Guess its time for the happy face, why does the abyss seem so close on days like this?